A New Booke of Mistakes.

OR, Bulls with Tales, and Buls without Tales.

But no lyes by any meanes.


Printed at London by N. O. 1637.

To the Reader.

GEntlemen, and Readers, of what Humour or Condition soever; there are divers sorts of Language, to which custome bath given sundry [...]ames: There bee Quips, [Page] Taunts, Retorts, Flowts, Frumps, Mockes, Gibes, Jests, Jeeres, &c. some tart, some plea­sant; some sportive, and harmelesse, o­thers galling, and bitter, and all (for the most part) tasting as they are taken: There are moreover, other simple mistakes [Page] in speech, which passe under the name of Bulls; but if any man shall demand of mee; why they be so called, I must onely put them off with this Womans reason, they are so, because they be so: Now for these here related, they claime no Kindred from the blacke Bull in [Page] Bishopsgate street, who is still l [...]o [...]ing to­wards Shorditch, to see if he can spy the Carriers comming up from Cambridge; nor from the branded Bull at St. Albons, who would tell all Travellers, if hee could speake, There you may have Horse-meate, and [Page] Mans meate for your Money; nor from the White Bull at the Beare-gar­den, who tosseth up Dogges like Tennis­balls, and catching them againe upon his Hornes, makes them to garter their Legges with their owne Guts; nor from the Red Bull in Saint [Page] Johns streete, who for the present (alack the while) is not suf­fred to carrie the Flagge in the maine­top; neither have they any Alliance e [...] ­ther to Cow-crosse, or Cow-lane: But these are such as have Teeth, and bite not; and Hornes, yet butt not.

[Page] Those Bulls that have Tayles, weare [...]hem onely to defend them from the Breez, and with no worse purpose, than Gentle­women use their Fannes, or Butchers Wives their Fly [...] ­flaps; and those which have no Tayles, can neither cast dust, nor durt in any mans [Page] Face and Eyes.

Courteous Reader [...] accept them (such a [...] they be) in good part, lest censuring them with too sup [...]rcilious a brow, some or oth [...]r may say of thee, thou lookest as bigge upon them, as if thou hadst eaten Bull-beefe. Vale.

Bulls with Tales, and Bulls without Tales.

Of an Vsurer, and a de­bauch'd gallant.

A Penurious Fel­low, who lived altogether up­on Usury, pin­ching both backe and bel­ly to serve himselfe, and enrich others, came into [Page 2] an house where Pudding­pyes, and such like com­modities were to bee sold, and to make a saving Din­ner, call'd for a Can of six­shillings Beere, and a Pud­ding-pye, (for by that his good Husbandry he inten­ded to save Bread) a young Gallant without money, and yet not wanting a good stomacke, comming into the house, and observing him to sit in one of the common roomes, saluted him, and asked him how he did? His answer to him againe was, Very well, I thanke you Sir, but in­deed I know you not: the Gentleman reply'd u [...]to [Page 3] him, therefore Sir, I am desirous to drinke unto you, upon our better ac­quaintance, and withall [...]ooke up the Canne of Beere which then stood [...]efore him, and dranke it [...]uper naculum; which the other observing, look't [...]omething blankely upon [...]im, and desired him to [...]ell him his Name, which [...]he young man did: to [...]hom he reply'd, and said, [...]our Name I very well [...]emember; for one so cal­ [...]ed, once cheated me of a [...]ood Guelding, for which [...] could have hanged him: [...]ow saith the Gallant [...] [...]id [...]t thou know that Gentleman? [Page 4] I can assure thee, hee was of mine acquain­tance, and cared no more for the stealing of an horse, than I doe for the eating of this Pudding-pye, which said, he [...]a [...]cht [...] up, [...]ate it, and [...]eft the Usurer (hungry as he was) to pay for his breake-fast.

Of a Puritane and his friend eating of a Pudding.

A Puritan and his friend coming to a victualling house to breake their Fast [...] concluded betwixt them­selves to have a black [...] Pudding, which was ac­cordingly provided, an [...] [Page 5] brought with Bread and Beere, to accomade it up to the Table smoaking: which as soone as the Puri­tane saw, he clapt his Hat before his face, and lifting up his eyes, began (as their custome is) a very long and tedious Grace, praying against black sins, blew sianes, red, greene, yellow, tawny, and in­deed, all kind of coloured sinnes; but in the interim, whilst he was at his prayer, the other had eate up the Breake-fast: who, after he had uncovered his eyes, and seeing what was done, looking somewhat heavi­ly and hungerly upon the [Page 6] businesse, demanded of his friend, why hee had tooke that advantage, to serve him so an [...]n neigh­bourly a tricke [...] who a­gaine, made him this short Answer, Truely I ho [...]d it fitting, that from henceforth you either provide your selfe of a shorter Grace, or of a longer Pudding.

Of a great Statesman, and a Cardinall.

A [...]reat man, (and though it be not com­mon) yet witty withall, travelling into the Coun­trey, in his second dayes journey came to a thicke [Page 7] and shadowy Wood, or Forrest, to which the en­trance was something nar­row, and being about some Italian League, (which is an English Mile in length) he wondred, that being in so [...]erene and cleare a day, that all that time hee was shadowed from the sight of the Sunne: But his jour­ney being over, and some tenne yeeres after riding the same way, when hee came to the same place which he had before so se­riously observed, and mis­sing all those goodly trees, hee called to his Caroch­man, and some of his ser­vants, and told them, that [Page 8] doubtlesse they were out of their way: but they affir­ming the contrary, and asking his Lordship what should be the reason of his errour, marry saith hee, because, when I came this way last, I saw a goodly and brave Forrest, with many Trees growing here, and now I spye not one: To whom one of his Gen­tlemen reply'd, that true it was, but since the Cardi­nall or Bishop had cut them all downe, and having oc­casion to use money, had sold them for Timber: who answered him againe, it could be no other than a Church-mans worke, I [Page 9] acknowledge him for a great scholler; for this was a darke place, and hee hath now explained it.

Of a Grasier and a young Scholler.

A Rich Grasier drivi [...]g two faire and fat Oxen before him towards t [...]e market, ledde his horse downe an hill; (as hauing for his better ease aligh­ted) at the foote of which he met with a yong Schol­ler, who exp [...]est his pover­ty in his thinne and thred­bare habite, who desired of him some small peece of money to relieve him in [Page 10] that his present necessity: The Grasier, whose name was Gualter, casting a com­miserating eye upon him, and having beene in his youth a pretty Grammar scholler, thought to prove him whether hee were a counterfeit or no, told him, that before he should taste any fruites of his Chari­ty, h [...]e would make try all of his learning, which the poore Scholler desired him to doe: Then, saith Gualter, I will begin a La­tine verse, which if thou ca [...]t, instantly and without pause, make a perfect and true Hexameter, or Heroy­icke verse, I will give thee [Page 11] this yoake of Oxen, which [...]hou seest I drive before me, to make thy best of them: To which the yong man willingly assented, as being wondrous glad of the motion: When the Grasier putting his foote into the stirrop to get upon his horse, said, thus then I beginne my verse: Nunc scandit Gualter; to whom [...]he young ladde suddenly [...]eplyed, Meus est Bos unus & alter: Which speedy [...]nd witty answer, when [...]he Grasier heard, hee put­ [...]ing his hand into his [...]ouch drew out a French Crowne, and cast it unto [...]im, and said, gramer [...] [Page 12] Scholler, drinke that for my sake, which I freely give thee to release mee of my bargaine.

Of one Parkins a boone Companion in Essex who dyed of the rising of the Lights.

POore Parkins, now per­cust here lie [...],
Light hearted, till his Lights did rise.
Lights of the Body, are the Bellowes,
And hee, one of the best goo [...] fellowes
That Essex yeelded, (all we [...] kn [...]w)
[Page 13] And breath'd, till they did cease to blow.

Of a rich Batchelor, who by no meanes could be per­swaded to marry: and h [...]s Foole.

A Great rich man, and of a good family, who al­together aff [...]cted a single life, kept a foole, and made him as familiar with him, as if he had been his sole Mi­stris; for hee seemed to take delight in no womans company at all: yet it so happened, that one of his servants (whom he used to imploy in the like offices) had conveighed a pretty [Page 14] woman privately into his Chamber [...] and so closely, that none of his family took the least notice there­of, these two lay very lo­vingly together, and being in the Summertime, and the weather hot, tossing the clothes very carelesly, fell fast asleepe towards the morning: when the Foole (as his custome was) comming towards his ma­sters chamber to give him an earely visit, and fin­ding the doore left onely by a negligent la [...]ch, hee entred, and casting his eyes towards the lower end of the bed, spied foure bare legs, at which being amazed, [Page 15] and not looking so high as up to the pillowes, hee ranne downe hastily, and cald all the people of the house together, and told them, hee would shew them such a wonder as their eyes had never be­held til then: they de [...]irous to understand the novelty, grew very importunate to know what it was; who replyed, mary I will tell you, my Master and yours, whom we all saw goe to­wards bed but with two legs, hath since yester­night got foure legs, and withal bid them go up and see. They not suspecting any thing, (in regard they [Page 16] knew him to be a Batche­ler) followed him vp close into the Roome to bee spe­ctators of the prodegy; to whom the Foole said, looke you here, (my Ma­sters [...]) and see if I lye [...] who well perceiving what the businesse was, went downe blushing, and some of them whispering a­mongst themselves, in re­gard the [...]oore was left so carelesly [...] said, they knew not w [...]ich was the greater Foole, the Ideot, or their Master.

Of an House that should f [...]ll.

ONe comming with a very pleasant counte­nance into the company where his friends were merrily drinking, one of them said unto him, you are very welcome, and the rather, because you looke so cheerefully upon us: who again replyed; marry I thank God, & I have re [...] ­son; why what is the news [...]aith he: the other answe­red againe; I married an Orphan, and came but now from the Court of Aldermen, and they haue [Page 18] promised me the next ho [...]se that falls: O but said ano­ther; if your case were mine, I had rather they had promised to mee the next unto it that stands.

Of Water-mens Hall.

ONe would not be­leeve that the society of the Water-men had any Hal; to whom another who was friend unto him reply­ed, Truely Sir they have, and the better to resolve you, I went this day to Westminster in a paire of Oares, and the one of them told mee hee was [Page 19] this yeare chie [...]e Church­warden of the Company.

A mistake in the Sences.

TWo friends meeting in the streete, one de­manded of the other from whence he came? who re­plyed againe: From a place, where I have spent my time better than you have done in any other this two dayes: and where was that said hee? marry saith hee in the Church, where I have beene to see a Sermon.

Another in the like kinde.

ANother coming from a place where a great Tumult and clamor had beene, being demanded by a friend of his, from whenc [...] hee then came? whence said hee? I pro­test from a place where I saw such a loud and horri­ble noyse, which hath so deafr me, that I am scarce able to heare what you now speake.

A Verse in Virgil thus construed.
Silvestrem tenni Musam me­ditaris avena.

MEditaris, id est, Thou well remembrest [...] te­ [...]ui, that I once had, Mu­sam [...]ilvestrem, [...] Countrey Wench, avena, upon an oaten s [...]eafe.

Another Verse as simply construed.

A Schoole-master in the Countrey, put one of his young Schollers new [...]ntred into his Grammar, [Page 22] to construe this Ver [...]e: Est modus in rebus, sunt cer­ti deni (que) fines: And with­al bid hi [...] to doe it sud­denly: The Boy ta [...]es the Book [...] in his hand, and insta [...]tly made this Con­struction: Est m [...]dus in re­bus, There is mudde in the Rivers, sunt certi de­ni (que) fines, and certaine o­ther little Fishes.

Of a Captaine, and his God [...]son [...]e.

A Captaine, who could neither write, nor read, amongst other of his Friends, came to give a visite to one of his Gossips, [Page 23] to whose childe hee had beene wit [...]esse, and found him to be a pretty Lad be­twixt two and three yeere [...] of age, who, after he had made much of the chi [...]de, asked her, if she did not in­tend to bring him up to be a Scholler? To whom she answered, O, yes by all meanes; for sh [...]e kept him a [...] Schoole, and he tooke his Learning very pretily: at whi [...]h the Captaine see­med to bee much pleased, and so after some [...]ind con­gra [...]ula [...]ions, parted; hee promising within few daies to see her againe, which hee accordingly did, and brought with him a Friend [Page 24] o [...] his, one of his Fellow­souldiers: After salutati­on, [...]alling into discourse, the Lad came from Schoole [...] upon which the Captaine tooke occa [...]ion to commend him to his friend, and tell him what a hopefull Scholler he was like to proove: Nay (saith he) to make my words good, come hither my pre­ty child, and let me heare thee say thy Lesson which thou ha [...]t learn'd to day, and withall tooke him be­twixt his legges, and with the Fescue pointed him to the Letters in his Horne­booke, and began thus, What Letter is this? T, [Page 25] saith the Boy, and what Letter is this? H saith he, and what Letter is this? A saith the Child, and what this? T saith the Lad, very good saith the Cap­taine; and what spells THAT? From saith the Boy: well spell'd my [...]rave Lad said the Cap­ [...]aine; if thou proov'st not [...] Scholler indeed, I'le not [...]eleeve there is a Scholler [...]n Christendome.

Of a Iakes-farmer working in the night.

CErtaine o [...] those peo­ple, whom for mode­ [...]ties sake, wee call Goldfinders, [Page 26] being empting of an house of office, and their Carts, with their stin­king Tubs, blocking the Streets, some Gentlemen, not [...]ble to endure the smell, and were to passe that way flung their cloaks over their faces, which one of them observing, said, If you would alwayes keepe your tayle [...] shut, you should not now have occasion to stop your noses.

Of two Women scolding.

TWo Women bitterly scolding, saith the one unto the other, thou lyest worse than a Whore, or a [Page 27] Theefe; to whom the se­cond reply'd, and thou lyest worse than hee that made the last Almanacke.

Of an ignorant Scholler.

A Yong Scholler, whom his father sent unto the University, before hee could construe good La­tine, spending his houres more in his pleasure, than at his Booke, having wa­sted all his allowance be­fore the Quarter-day, and being quite destitute both of money or credit, not knowing any other means to draw Coine out of his Fathers coffers, writ him [Page 28] a Letter under his owne hand, to certifie him that himselfe was dead, and desired him to send him up money to pay for his Fu­nerall.

Of Bulls and Cowes.

ONE, whose House stood neare to the fi [...]lds, where Cattell were wont to graze, hearing some of them to clamour aloud a [...]ter their kind, be­fore a s [...]orme, or a tempest, s [...]id [...]to his Neighbour, i [...]deed yo [...] scarce beleeve wh [...] [...]omfort and pleasure I [...]a [...]e i [...] the night, when I [...]ee [...]he Kine to lowe so [Page 29] loud, and the Bulls to bel­low.

Of a young Deacon, the first time hee came into the Pulpit.

A Young Scholler ha­ving newly tooke Or­ders, thought the better to embolden himselfe to practise first amongst the Clownes in the Countrey, and had prepared himselfe to that purpose: and com­ming into a plaine Parish­Church, desired that hee might give them a Ser­mon, for which hee had not onely leave, but ma­ny thankes; and comming [Page 30] into the Pulpit, having never beene in the like place before, seeing such a m [...]ltitude of Rusticks a­bout him, he was so much abashed and daunted, (his memory failing him) that he could not proceed one word further; when ma­king a necessi [...]ous pau [...]e, and not k [...]owing how to com [...] off with credit, hee suddenly bethought him­selfe, and s [...]uffling with his Nose, said, Dearely be­loved br [...]theren, I would willingly proceed in my Sermon, but I smell such a strong sent of Fire, t [...]at indeed, it is ready to stifle me: which he had no sooner [Page 31] spoken, but every of them (making it his owne case) not knowing in whose House, or Barne it might happen, all of them ran tumultuously out of the Church to quench it; which hee seeing, came quietly downe out of the Pulpit, and so by that meanes alone saved his credit.

A Word simply and igno­rantly mistaken.

IT happened that an up­per ground, whose foun­dation was seated upon Sand, either by the wash­ing of the raine, or continuance [Page 32] of time the foun­dation grew so unstable, that the weight of the higher [...]arth moved by de­grees, & quite covered the lower; which happened in a part of the County of He­reford, the strangenesse and novelty therof being rela­ted unto one that had bin an eye-witnes thereof, one that stood by, instantly re­plyed, sir, indeed you speak of a wonder, for in all my time, I never heard of such an Inundation of earth be­fore.

Of a [...] mad fellow in the Countrey, who payed a Reckoning to his Ho­stesse with a Song.

A Pleasant, or rather a cheating fellow in the Countrey, willing to eate, and having at that time no money in his purse, came to a Victualling house, and asked his Hostesse, what she could provide for his Breakfast [...] who told him such, and such things, and named them all [...] who bad her provide what he found best agreeing with his sto­macke; which with all [Page 34] possible speede was prepa­red, and set before him: he feeding upon them to his full sa [...]ety, put up his kni [...]e, and withall, deman­ded of he [...] what he had to pay, who presētly brought him an honest and con­scio [...]able reckoning, of which hee seemed well to approove; but asked her withall, if she would take a Song for her money: to whom shee gave a modest a [...]swer, [...]hat shee would, so he would si [...]g such a one as might satisfie and con­tent her: Saist thou so Ho­st [...]sse, quoth he, gramercy for that, and song first one, and then another, and askt [Page 35] her how she liked this, and how that, but none of them all would please her: at length putting his hand into his pocket, he drawes out his purse, in which was no better coyne than plain Counters, and shaking it in his hand, beganne to sing a­loud to this purpose.

The Song.

WHat course shall I take,
Due payment to make
For all this good meate I have eaten?
To have boyld and roste,
And all of free cost,
I worthy were then to be beaten.
[Page 36] Come forth then I say,
My Coyne to defray,
(That never hath yet beene for [...]poken)
Lay downe to an haire,
For all thy [...]good fare,
And bate not thine hostesse a token.

And withall beganne to open his purse, and asked her, how that Song plea­sed her? who answered him, very well, for now he sung to the purpose: Then Hostesse saith he, fare yo [...] well, you are payd you [...] reckoning.

Of Women going downe by Water to Braine­ford.

DIvers honest, and sub­stantiall women went to make merry at Braine­ford with their Husbands leave; and amongst the rest a Vi [...]tners wife, who was honest, but a plaine and simple man; a familiar friend of his comming into the Kitching, and missing his wife, asked him where shee was [...] who replyed, that she was gon a Gossip­ping to Brainford with such a mans wife, and such an ones (all which his [Page 38] neighbour well knew) and they must needes goe by water too: (saith he) but to learne them more wit hereafter, I could wish they might all bee drow­ned, so they might have no harme.

Of the same Vintners Wife.

THe sa [...]e woman was very famous in the place where shee lived for ma [...]ing of dainty Marrow­bone P [...]ddings, at which indeed shee had scarce her fellow in the City; and they two [...]etwixt them had got a very faire estate: [Page 39] Being in very earnest dis­course with a neighbour of his, they fell into talke about their meanes that God had bl [...]st them wi [...]h: saith this neighbour to him, you by your in­dustry have got a faire and competent estate; hee answered him againe, yes indeed I have, and whatsoever I possess [...], is co [...]e unto [...]e [...] by the grace of God: which his wife comming by, and hearing, made replie, come, come saith shee, you ta [...]ke that what you have got came by the grace of God, bu [...] I know what I know, I am sure it [Page 40] came by my making of Puddings.

Of a Tradse man that was a Good-fellow.

IT was the Phrase of a good fellow that I knew, and frequent in his mouth, whensoever hee came into any Ale-house or Taverne, come, come, call in for the other pot or quart; a groat is [...]oone got, but long in spending.

A witty answer of a civill Gentlewoman.

A Modest Matron sit­ting at doore in a Summer evening, a Ruf­finly Gallant came unto her, and asked her blunt­ly, if shee nev [...]r had been a Whore [...] to whom shee suddenly replyed, indeed sir never but once, and that was when a Ruffin­ly young Gallant like your selfe, she being then my companion, begat you of your mother.

Of a cheating fellow and his Hostesse.

A Mad fellow, which had no money, travel­ling by the way, call'd in at an Ale-house for a deep [...] reckoning, but when it came to be payd, he made [...]o long a pause, that his Hostesse desired to see i [...] discharged, for shee had other guests to looke to [...] but hee desired her to stay, and still, the more shee im­portuned him, his answer [...] was, Good Hostesse stay [...] well saith shee, stay me no stayes, either lay me my money downe, or I'le presently [Page 43] goe fetch the Con­stable; and withall stept out of the doore into the streete: hee followed her close, and began to tak [...] him to his heeles; which shee perceiving, cryed af­ter him, Stay fellow, stay fellow; to whom looking backe, hee reply'd, by no meanes good Hostesse [...] thou wouldst not stay for me, and now will not I stay for thee.

Of one Banes, a Scholler in Westminster.

ONe Banes, a witty Lad of Westminster [Page 44] Schoole, having commit­ted some fault or other, was to be whipt: now the Master (whilst h [...]e stood bare to his mercy) know­ing him to bee ingenious, lifting up his Arme, with a smarting Rod in his hand, said, I aske the Banes of Matrimony betwixt the Rod in my hand, and the bare breech before mee, if any one can shew any rea­son, why these two may not be lawfully joyned to­gether, let them speake now, or never, for this is the last time of their as­king; and withall being ready to strike, the Boy cast his head backe, and [Page 45] [...]aid, Marry I forbid the Banes: The Schoole [...]ma­ [...]ter reply'd, but sirrah, you must shew me some reason why [...] who answer'd him, Because Sir, upon my knowledge the parties are not agreed: for which wit­ty answer hee was for that time pardoned.

Of two Neighbours travel­ling by water.

TWo Friends travelling by Water, and the Windes being somewhat hie, and the billowes rough, though they were both very fearefull, yet [Page 46] one of them seeming more timorous than the other, his Neighbour began to cheere him up, and sayd, Doubt nothing Friend, but bee of good comfort; for God is as strong by Land, as he is by Water.

A Question about a great, or small number.

A Witty conceited Gen­tleman meeting with a plaine Countrey-fellow, after some other discourse, thinking to sport himselfe with his simplicity, be­gan to question with him about Arithmeticke, and [Page 47] [...]mongst other interroga­ [...]ories, hee asked him, whe­ [...]her hee thought three or [...]oure to bee a small num­ [...]er or a great [...] to whom [...]he plaine fellow replyed, [...]hat hee thought them to [...]ee but a small number: how [...]aith the Gentleman? [...]hen I put this further que­ [...]tion vnto thee: if thou hadst three or foure wives [...]o keepe and maintaine, wouldst not thou thinke [...]hem to bee a great num­ [...]er? yes truely; (answered [...]e) for to speake my con­ [...]cience, having but one, I have enough, and too much of her, and therefore three or foure are a great [Page 48] number indeed: How? (replyed the Gentleman) but say thou hadst but three or foure haires upon thy head, wouldst thou not thinke them to be but a ve­ry small number? at which the poore fellow grew blanke, and was not able to make him any further an­swer.

Of a young Gentleman that married a crooked maid.

A Gentleman of good quality, and [...] prop [...] man withall, married with a Gentlewoman of a great dower, but sheew as very [Page 49] crooked, a friend of his comming to visit hi [...], and observing upon what manner of creature he had bestowed himselfe, taking him aside, after some other discourse, demanded o [...] him, why he, being so handsome a Gentleman, and in his prime of youth, could match himselfe to a woman so mishapen? who smiling, replyed; friend, if thou hadst sent me a peece of gold out of the country, and bowed it for a token, it being weight, should I have despised it, and sent it backe againe to thee, be­cause it was somewhat bent and crooked [...]

Sundry m [...]stakes spoken publickly upon t [...]e Stage.

IN the Play of Richard the third; the Duke of Buckingham being betraid by his servant Banister, a M [...]ssenger comming hasti­ly into the presence of the King, to bring him word of the Dukes surprizall, Richard asking him what newes [...] he replyed:

My Liege, the Duke of Ba­nister is tane,
And B [...]ckingham is come for his reward.

A like to the forme [...].

ANother in the Play of Edward the second; though being often taxt of the errour, yet could ne­ver deliver one line other­wise, than thus:

Like to the harmelesse
Lambe, or sucking Dove.

A third.

A Third making a Pro­clamation, in the stead of fifty foot, commanded that no man, upon pai [...]e of death, should come within fifty Miles of the place of Execution.

A fourth.

ANother made this comparison.

Like to so many Cannons shot from Bullets.

A fift.

ANother bringing word from the General, that the Souldiers should sinke all their boats, and begon; told them, that they must bore their holes full of Boats, and instantly march away.

A Man of a low stature.

ONe that was of a very low stature, and be­ing often jeer'd for that: One time above the rest, it being cast upon him, hee said, you talke of Dwarfes, and the like; but I protest, I was the o­ther day in company with three or foure of my ac­quaintance, when (no man being so high as I) I was the tallest man a­mongst them.

Of a Souldiers wife in the time of Auri [...]olar Confession.

A Souldier having a curst [...]hrew to his wife, and very untractable, yet pretending to be very reli­gious, used [...]o goe often to Co [...]fession: but still when shee kneeled before her Ghostly Father, in stead of ripping up her owne sinnes, she troubled his eares, with telling him what a bad man she had to her husband, and spared not to brand him with the worst things that either [Page 55] [...]e could possibly doe, or shee could imagine to bee done: The Confessor mee­ting with him by chance, gave him a gentle admo­nishment, perswading a Comingall Attonement betwixt them, and told him how necessary it was for his soules health, to have a perfect & an unfeig­ned reconcilement made, that they might live in peace and unity; and to that purpose told him how needfull it was, that hee should also come oftener to Confession, which hee had before so much neg­lected. These words see­med to take great impression [Page 56] in him, insomuch, that he appointed him a certain time for that purpose, and kept his word according­ly; & being upon his knees, his Confessor having given him a serious exhortation, to confesse all those sinnes whatsoever hee had com­mitted, that hee might bee absolved of them: he made him answere, that it was al­together needlesse, and to no purpose [...] for whatsoe­ver I have done, nay more then ever I had a thought to doe, my wife hath con­fest unto you before hand: and so left him.

Of one that bought an Horse in Smithfield.

A Gentleman cheapened an Horse in Smithfield, and agreed for the price, which was Ten pound: but comming to pay down the Money, hee had but eight Pieces about him; but sayd to him that sold him, heere is so much mo­ney in hand, and I will remaine Debter unto you for the rest; who seeing him to be a man of fashion [...] and having inquir'd his name, and residence, did accept thereof, and so for that time they parted. The [Page 58] next day he found him out at his Lodging, and de­manding the Two Peeces which he left unpayd, he answered, that he did him great wrong to claime any such Summe, for it was contrary to their bargaine: I pray Sir saith the other, how can you make that good [...] Marry thus said the Gentleman: Ten Peeces were the price for your Horse, Eight I payd you downe in hand, and pro­mised you to bee your Debtor for the rest, and so I am [...], and will remaine still; for otherwise I should breake both my word, and bargaine.

A Prophecie of the Yeere ensuing.

THere is like to be such a defect in the Nobili­ty, that even Rusticks, if they be rich, will strive to become Noble, and such a penury among the Iewes, that many, nay, too ma­ny Christians shall turne Usurers: One Day shall be longer, and one Night shorter than another: Men shall bee more glad to re­ceive Money, than to pay it: Some shall rather de [...]ire to ride, than to goe on foote; he that cannot compasse [Page 60] Wine, shall be glad to drinke Ale, or Beere: Man and Wife shall live in quiet, till they fall into quarrell: Blacke Cowes shall this yeere give white Milke [...] many shall be more glad to goe to bed late, than to rise early: Rich men shall dye as the poore doe, and no man shall be valewed according to his Wisdome, but his wealth, &c.

Of a Flatterer.

A Flatterer that had ex­tolled his Lord be­yond all reason or modesty, [Page 61] before a great compa­ny then present, impati­ent ofsuch Adulation, in regard it was so palpable, could not containe him­selfe, but [...] rising from his seate, fell upon him, and gave him di­vers blowes; who fee­ling the smart, sayd un­to him, Sir, why doe you beate me [...] to whom hee answered, Sirrah, why didst thou bite me [...]

A witty retort of a learned Bishop.

A Bishop going to visit through his Diocesse, was entertained at a Par­sons house, where hee had very grea [...] a [...]d good chear, but his wine was starke naught; which he [...]asting, said to the Parso [...], Domine Person [...], hoc non [...]st bonum vinus: To whom hee re­plyed, if i [...] please your good Lordship, I thinke you speak incongruously; to who [...] he answered, it is true M [...]ster Parson, I know it well, but if you could tell how to mend your [Page 63] Wine, you should quickly finde, that I would mend my Latine.

Of Vsury.

ONe asking whether Usury were any way lawfull? it was answered him againe, that it was; the other demanding how? who replyed againe, so that a man lendeth his money onely to such, as he knowes are not able to pay backe the principall againe.

Of a great Prelat [...] i [...] Rome.

A Great Prelate in Rome, being at a su [...]ptuous and delicate [...]east, where was plenty of all varietie [...], and nothing was wa [...]ing, saving Mustard, looking a­bout, and spyi [...]g none, said aloud; O quanta patimus pro Ecclesia: which a Scholler, who w [...]s then at his Elbow, hearing, said, Sir, by your favour, you should have said patimur; to whom hee replyed, what telst thou mee of pa­timus or patimur, is it not all one? for I am sure [Page] they are both of the Ge­nitive case.

Of an unlearned Parson in the Country.

A Parson in the Coun­try, who was no scholler, spying the word Epiphania in the Calendar, by the red letters finding it to be a Festival day, gave out in the Church, that the next weeke, upon such a day, they were to keepe the Feast of Epiphanie, but whether it were of a man or a woman, hee could not resolve them for the pre­sent; but howsoever, he de­sired that they would co [...]e to the Church, and keep it for an Holyday.

A Vintner and a Poet.

A Vintner meeting [...] Poet in the streets [...] saluted him, and desired [...] him of better acquain [...] ­tance: who asked him o [...] what profession hee was? who told him that he was a Vintner, and proceeded further, and said, I know you by sight, and I make no question but that you know mee too: To whom he replyed, no indeed, fo [...] to my knowledge, I ne­ver saw your [...] face before; I pray you where dwell you? marry (saith hee) at the Rose, by the Poultry [Page] Counter gate; to whom the Poet answered againe, friend [...] how horribly art thou mi [...]tooke! why, I tell thee, I never durst walke that way this seaven yeares.

Of a Land Poet, and a Water Poet.

ONe being asked what difference there was betwixt a Land Poet and a Water Poet? made an­swer; even just so much as there is betwixt a Schol­le [...]and a Schuller.

Of a Knight which wa [...] made a Master of Art.

WHether it be by th [...] Kings prerogative [...] or by the courtesie of th [...] University I know not, o [...] whether both couplin [...] together; but so it was that a Knight, a Nobl [...] Gentleman, being with th [...] Kings Majesty at Cam­bridge, had so much grac [...] as to be made a Master o [...] Art, to add to his forme [...] Title: upon which honou [...] having drunke somewhat stiffely over night, an [...] [Page 69] comming to tender his ser­vice to his Majesty, hee (knowing him to bee no Scholler) asked him, how much hee had profited in his learning, since hee had tooke that degree? who an­swered him againe, with a protestation, that since his comming to the Accade­my, hee had gain'd so much Latine, that the last night hee had scarce one word of English to bring him to bed.

Of a Reader in on [...] of th [...] Innes of Court.

A Very eminent Gentle­man, who was at that time Reader, having fea­sted the house very boun­tifully in his last Lecture, or taking of his leave of these exercises, did it in these or the like words: Gentlemen, I have read to you, & I have feasted you, but if you have not pro­fited so much by my rea­ding, as by my feasting', I conclude thus: You have beene better fed than taught.

Of a Goldsmith, his Wife; and his youngest Pr [...]tise.

A Goldsmith, fearing the danger of the Sicknesse, was perswaded by his wife, which was a pretty handsome Gentle­woman, to remove out of London, and take an house in the Countrey, and to furnish it, caused his youn­ger Prentise to take an in­ [...]entory of all such house­hold commodities, as hee went to conveigh thence, [...]hich hee did punotually, and set downe every parti­cular thing as they were [Page 72] delivered: but when hee came to his Mistresse Lin­nen, and finding, that for haste sake, [...]ome were washt, and some not, hee writ after this manner: Item, so many of my Mi­stris her smocks white, and so many parcell guilt, and so gave up his account; which the young Gentle­woman reading, grew into a violent rage, and perswa­ded her husband to beate the Lad, or bring him be­fore the Chamberlaine, but howsoever, to have him soundly corrected: to which hee answered, wife, by no meanes, the boy suites his phrases properly [Page 73] to his trade, for you know we have white plate, parcell guilt, and guilt al o­ver.

Of Paules.

TWo Gentlemen that were of familiar ac­quaintance meeting, the one demanded [...] of the o­ther, what newes? marry [...]aith he, strange new [...]s, have you not heard it? his friend being importunate to know what it was: why saith hee, Paules is prepa­ring, either to goe, or to ride into the Country pre­sently; the other replyed, [Page 74] what probability can there bee for that? what pro­bability? (answered he againe) why, doe you not see hee hath sent all his Trunkes away before hand?

Of a great Courtier and a Citizen.

A Citizen of good qua­lity, having businesse with a Lord of the Court, as having vented upon him divers commodities, th [...] Lord upon a time, being merrily disposed, desired to resolve him one question, who told [Page 75] him he would, if it lay in his power to doe't: then saith hee, I prethee tell mee what should be the reason, that so many Ci­tizens should bee Cuc­kolds? who answered him presently, troth my Lord I know none, but our foolish imitation; for wee can see a fashi­on no sooner come up in the Court, but they will never bee at q [...]iet till they have it in the City.

Of a Maior in the Country, and a pleasant fellow riding through the Towne.

THe Maior of a thorow­fare Towne, sitting at his doore in discourse with some of his neigh­bours; one that tired his horse, could not by any spurring make him go for­ward; but when hee came just before the Inne doore, where the Maior sate, stood stone stil [...], and would not stirre one foo [...]e fur­ther, at which they fell all on laughing; (for hee was [...]nowne to them all) [Page 77] at le [...]gth saith mistris Mai­or, friend, how farre are you to ride to night? tro [...]h, an [...]wered he, I am a­fraid I am at the farthest: will you fell the B [...]ast you ride on, saith the M [...]ior? if I would, answered he, I could wish you not to buy him, for one foule fault that he hath: and what is that, saith the other? hee replyed, marry because he never lookes upon any paltry Mare, but (as I have observed it) this jadish trick comes upon him.

The answere of an old Foole.

ONe asked an ancient Ideot, what made him to look so gray? my haires said hee.

Of one Neighbour invi­ting another to Dinner.

ONe Neighbour invi­ting another to din­ner, said unto him in these words, good friend, will it please you to dine with me to day? and if it [Page 79] please you to send in Meate, saving for Bread and Drinke, I will put you to no other char­ges.

Of a North countrey [...]n, who told a Lye in London.

A Plaine Northerne fel­low comming up to the City, told a palpabl [...] ­lye [...] and added further, that he bad the Divill take him if it were not true; but presently re-calling himselfe, said, I crye God mercy, what have [Page 80] I done? one asking him the reason of his la [...]t speech, and what rela­tion it had to the former, who answ [...]red, marry faith hee, because I [...]now not of what condition your Divels are, heere about London; but in our Countr [...] I might have said, the Divell take mee a hundred times together, and I am sure none of them all would have hurt mee.

A pretty mistake in the marrying of a couple.

A Plaine Vicar in the Country came [...]o mar­ry a yong man and a maid, who were his p [...]rishoners, and both well knowne to him [...] and when he came to the joyning of their hands, he said to him, John, what is your name? to whom the fellow said, what need you aske me that? it seems you know it as well as I doe my selfe.

Of the blinde man of Ho [...]way.

THe Blinde man of Hol­loway comming about some [...]usinesse to London [...] and especially to speake wi [...]h a Citizen in Fryday­street, with whom hee had some trading, came unto his shop, and asked one of the boyes, if his Master were within? who told him, that hee was above [...] I p [...]ethee then tel him that I am here, and desire to speake with him; who pre­sentl [...] went up, and told his Master, that the blinde [Page 83] man of Holloway, w [...]s come to see him: [...]s hee saith his Master? tell him, I will come downe unto him presently; for I know hee would be ver [...] glad to see me.

Of a Quask-salver, who did undertake to cure one of the Gout.

ONE lying long bed­rid of the Gout, which by lazinesse, and too much ease, grew more, and more upon him, a Quacksalver came to him, and tooke upon him to cure him, but finding that hee could give [Page 84] him no ease at all, but that the cure was above his cunning, knowing that his patient had a Guelding in the Stable, on which hee sometimes rode, when hee was not able to goe, hee watched his opportunity, stole him, and rode with him quite away: Now the man, having neither Phy­sitian to helpe him, nor Horse to [...]ase him, was forc't to forsake his Bed, and to try his feete; by which meanes he was sud­denly recovered, by stret­ching out his shrunke veines, which before were contracted. Those that knew it, gave out, that the [Page 85] Horse was the best Physi­tian of the two, and that the Quacksalvers knavery had done more than his cunning.

Of a Maide who dyed suddenly.

A Kitchin-mayd, who was providing a great Dinner, where divers per­sons were invited; as they exp [...]cted the meate to come up, sudden newe [...] was brought to them, that the Cooke-maide was f [...]l-len downe dead in the Ki [...]chin [...] and was past all recovery: at which, all [Page 86] the Guests, with the owner of the House, and the r [...]st of his Family, made speed out of the house, le [...]t t [...]e meate at the fire, lo [...]t up the door [...]s, and a [...]y they went. O [...]e re [...]a [...]i [...]g this to a [...]riend o [...] [...] that the [...] w [...]re [...] such a [...]are, [...] no li­ving [...] i [...] the house saving [...]h [...] mayde, who lay de [...] in the Kitchin.

Of a Masse-Priest in Queen Maries dayes.

IN Queene Maries dayes, when all the Service was in Latin [...], a simple, silly [Page 87] Priest in the Coun [...]rey, (for there were few other in those dayes) was intrea­ted to come to the next Pa­rish to Christen a Childe, but not having his owne Booke, he was so newhat puzell'd; at length hee spy'd at the foot of a leafe written, Sa [...]taper tri [...], that is, skip, or turne over three leaves at once; which hee mistaking, and thinking it had beene the fashion of that P [...]r [...]sh [...] w [...]en he came to those w [...]rd [...], to give th [...]ee [...] about the Fo [...] [...] w [...]lli [...]g [...]o bre [...]k Cu [...]t [...]es [...] h [...] prese [...]tly fetc [...]et [...] thr [...]e [...]iskes and vagaries, tumbling the [Page 88] Mid-wife one way, the Godfather another, and had almost throwne down the God-mother that held the Child; at which, they all thought him to be mad, and layd hold on him: but a Gentleman s [...]anding by, who had overlookt him in his reading, spying the Errour, put him into the right way, otherwise the Childe had beene borne thence, not halfe Christen­ed.

Of a [...] a [...]d a pleasant [...].

A M [...]y f [...]low having [...] [...]o ca [...]ry [...]d [...]w [...]e [...] [...]rea [...] [...]u [...]n­tity of wa [...]er [...]n [...]o [...] (w [...]i [...] [...] seeme [...], [...] [...]o much note of) c [...]ye [...] [...] Fire, fire; the neighbours comming, and aski [...]g where? He told them, in the Vint [...]ers C [...]llar: They beate against the doore, up comes the Master, and tells them, all is well with­in, demanding who had abus'd him in that kind: [Page 90] the Author is found out, and produc't; who being asked why hee had done him that injury? answe­red, who would have thought, but that the Cel­lar had be [...]ne a fire, that had seene him carry in so much water as I did?

Of a Doctor not us'd to ride.

A Doctor that was sel­dome on horse-bak, beeing to ride a Jour­ney, [...]ame to take horse with no spurres upon his heeles, which one, that was to ride with him, espying, [Page 91] said, Master Doctor, doe you meane to ride without spurres? who loo­king downe towards his fe [...]te, said, [...]Tis true in­deed, I have none; but I had thought verily that my man had put them on.

Of shooting at Buts.

ONE that stood look­ing upon a Match that was shotat Buts, when all hadshot very neare, the last Arrow clapt into the white, at which, he sayd aloud, He hath wone all, if it were a Mile to the bot­tome.

Of taking Tobacco.

ONE looking upon one that used to take much Tobacco, said to his frie [...]d that stood nex [...] him, Doe you not observe that fel­low? hee takes Tobacco like a Fish.

Of a Pocket-musket.

TWo Cittizens spea­king of their Armes, the one having a handsome short M [...]sket, said to th [...] other, I thinke I have the best Pocket-musket about the Towne; at which the [Page 93] other laughing, he reply'd againe, and why not a pocket-musket, as well as a pocket-dagge.

Of two that fell out.

TWo young fellowes falling out, began to grow into very violent and bitter tearmes: at length said the one to the other, well, for thy Mother, I know her to bee as honest a woman, as any is in Eng­land, but for thine owne part, thou art no better than the sonne of a Who [...]e.

A harmelesse mistake.

A Chimny beeing on fire, one meetes his man with a Musket i [...] hast, and asked him whither he carried that C [...]imny? mar­ry, saith he, to scoure the peece.

Of a sudden afright.

ONe familiar friend spying another, whose backe was toward [...] him, came [...]uddenly behinde him ere he was aware, and shooke him, so that he gave a great start, and loo­king, when hee saw it was [Page 95] his friend, he said, now I beshrew your heart, you have made all the guts in my belly rise into my face.

Of a Iacobus peece.

ONe spying in the hand of his friend a very faire twenty two shillings peece, & desired him to let him poyse it in his hand, which having done, he pre­sently returned it to him backe, and said, it was as faire an Harry Iacobus, as ever he saw.

Of one that was supposed to bee in a Con­sumption.

TWo friends meeting together, the o [...]e as­ked of the other, when he saw such a man, who was wel knowne to them both? who made answere with a great sigh, that hee could not bee lo [...]g liv'd, hee d [...] ­manding the reason, he said, hee could not ch [...]se but be in a Co [...]sump [...]ion, for his doublet was grown too short wasted.

Of going by Water.

TWo comming to take Water at Westminster st [...]ires, were plyed by di­vers Oares: the one would goe with a Waterman of his old acquaintance: but the other having depen­dance upon the Court, no [...]aith he, wee will goe with him that hath M. R. upon his coat, for that standeth for Maria Rex.

A G [...]s [...]-Pye.

ONe seeing a c [...]rious fat Swan at the Poul­terers Stall, said to his friend that walkt along with him, O what a dainty Goose-pye, would that Swan make.

Of Col [...]urs.

IT being demand [...]d of one, what colours hee thought was fittest for a Tradse-man to weare? was answered, O your Carnation blacke is the [Page 99] best weare for a Citizen.

Of a Ge [...]tleman in Plu [...]h.

A Gentleman being ve­ry gallant, and all in Plush, walking along the [...]treet [...] two Tradsem [...]n following him, the one who knew him, s [...]id to the other, dost thou know [...]im that is so brave? no saith he, what of that [...] I'le tel [...] thee then, replyed the o­ther, thou seest him now al [...] in Plush, bu [...] ten to on [...] within th [...]se [...]ew dayes thou shalt meete him in a broune-stuffe.

A quarter of L [...]be.

THree or foure good­fellowes mee [...]ing, went to dine at a Cookes in Pie-corner, and bespoke a quarter of Lambe, which when they came to cut up, they found to bee very tough, insomuch, that they could scarcely tugge it a­sunder with their teeth; at length saith one of them, now on my con [...]ci­ence, this Lambe is seaven yeares old at least.

A simple Market­maid.

A Silly Market wench being sent to the But­chers, inquired at Saint Nicholas Shambles along, for a breast of mutton with a ru [...]pe upon it.

Of buying a Sword.

TWo Gentlemen mee­ting, the one of them had a ve [...]y faire new Sword, which the other observing, said unto him, in [...]eed you have got a very [Page 102] handsome Sword, I pray you is it your owne, or did you buy it?

Of two Neighbours talking.

TWo neighbours mee­ting, the one having lately bu [...]led his wife, the other beganne to comfort him for the losse of his good wife; who answered him againe, that [...]he was a good woman indeed, but hee was sorry for nothing so much, as his poore [...] ­therlesse children at home.

A very improper Com­parison.

ONe complained to his friend, and said; I am so troubled here with a Blister, that is risen upon my arme as passeth, and I assure you, it is as sore as a Wall-nut.

One set upon by a Mastiffe.

TWo fellowes mee­ting, the one told unto the other, that hee was set upon on the way, by a huge fierce Mastiffe, ha­ving nothing (saith hee) in [Page 104] my hand but this cudgell which thou seest, and yet for halfe an houre by the Clock, I kept him in play hand to hand, and in al that time he was not able to get within me.

Of Dancing.

ONe seeing a Gentle­man dancing very lof­tily, & nimbly, and come­ly withall, said to another, that stood next him, doe you observe that man? doth hee not handle his legs most daintily?

Of three or foure being late in a Tavern [...].

THree or foure good fellows being merry at the Taverne, till it was past eleven a Clocke at Night, some of them ha­ving a great way to their Lodgings, saith one of them to the rest, Nay, now Gentlemen, it is even hi [...] time for us to part; for I will assure you, the lon­ger that you [...]tay, the far­ther you have home.

Of a Message simply delivered.

A Widdow-woman be­ing dead, a Messen­ger was sent to a Gentle­man, a Kinsman of hers, to intreate him to contribute something towards her bu­riall, who delivered his message after this sort: Sir, such a woman is dead, and commends her unto you, desiring you to send her Forty shillings to bury her.

A silly protestation.

I Heard one, speaking of the honesty of his Wife, protest, that in his Con­science she was as vertuous a Maide, as any was in all the Parish.

Another like foolish pr [...]testation.

ONe being urged to confirme a Truth, ha­ving at that time a [...]eaker brim'd in his hand, sayd, (being ready to drinke) That whi [...]h I have spoken, is [Page 108] most true, or else I wish this Beaker may never goe tho­row me.

A Cow-pigge.

ANother instead of a Sow-pigge, went up and downe the Market to aske for a Cow-pigge.

Of one comming from a Sermon.

ONe that had not beene often at Church, one asking him what the Prea­chers Text was? who an­swered him againe, I know [Page 109] the Text as well as the Mother that bore thee, and hee t [...]oke it out of Ieroni­mo.

Of a Picture.

ONe looking upon his friends picture, which was drawne in a very curi­ous Table, began much to commend the worke­manship, and said, The Double [...] was as like him, as if it had beene made for him.

Of a pleasant fellow, his Confessor, and a Gamm [...]n of Bacon.

A Pleasant fellow com­ming to Confession, his ghostly Father deman­ded, what great and grie­vous sinne hee had lately committed, since his last absolution? who fetching a great sigh, said, that the la [...]t [...]Le [...]t hee had a goodly gammon of bacon [...]ent him out of the Countrey, but because of the strictnesse of the time, hee had cast it downe into the house of Office: The good man chidde him for it, and told [Page 111] him, that it was a great [...]n indeede so to contemne a­ny of Gods good crea­tures, h [...] should rather have kept it, or given it towards the relief [...] of some poore people, who stood in need thereof; or saith he, if none of these, it had beene lesse offence in thee to have ea­ten it: Truely Father, saith hee, I thought so and therefore not to dis­semble with you, I did eate it first, and sent it downe into the house of Office after.

Of a fellow [...]anged for stea­ling an Halter.

ONe meeting another with whom hee was well acquainted, asked him for an old companion of his, whom he had not seen of long; O saith hee, hee is gon the wrong way [...] why, what is become of him saith the other? who told him againe, he was hang'd, the other replyed, hang'd! for what? marry saith hee, for stealing a rope; a small fault saith he; ey but answe­red he againe, there was an horse tyed to the end of it.

Of two fellows that were t [...] ride a journey.

TWo crafty Knaves, but one more subtile than the other, were to ride a journey, and to hire an Horse betwixt them, and to ride by turnes; now when they both had layd downe their money, saith the one of them, take no­tice of the bargaine that is betwixt us, is it not thus, That when I ride, you shal goe on foote; and when you goe on foote, I shall ride? 'Tis right said the other; of which the first [Page 114] taking notice, got up into the Saddle, and made his friend [...]ro [...] on foote the whole j [...]urney.

Things that cannot be revoked.

YOuth, Time, a word spoken, and a Maids Virginity.

Another to the like purpose.

HE that at twenty yeers of age is not faire, a [...] Thirty, strong [...] at Forty, wi [...]; at Fifty, rich; it is [Page 115] too late for him to exp [...]t any of these after.

Of one that was to fell an Hogge.

IT hath beene a cu [...]o [...]e in the Countrey, that when any man kill'd an Hogge, hee was to invite all his neighburs to [...]ate part thereof, and so they went round by turnes: now one more penurious than the rest, willing to save that charge, asked counsell of his neighbour, what he were best to doe? who told him, that the onely way for him to save [Page 116] both his purse and his cre­dit, was to give out the next day, that his Hog was stolne that night, who depar [...]ed from him very well satisfied, and resolv'd. Now it so happened, that his Hogge was that night stol [...]e indeed, which he missing in the Morning, ran open [...]mouth'd to his Go [...] ­sip, with a loud acclamati­on, and told him, he was quite undone, for his Hog was stolne out of the Sty; who smiling made answer, 'Tis very well Gossip, yo [...] [...]arry the businesse even so as I instructed you: To whom hee reply'd with an Oath, Ey but Gossip, I tell [Page 117] you, he is stolne indeed: who answered, better, and better; for if you remem­ber, I told you, your neighbours would not be­leeve you without an oath: at which words being more ve [...]ed, he stamped, and stared, and rapt out Oath after Oath, that what [...]e said, was true; the other still smiling, said, if that passion would not carry it currant amongst his neigh­ [...]ours, sure nothing would; and so he left him derided, as well as deluded.

Foure things kill a man before his time.

A Sad Family, immo­derate [...]urfeit, corrupt ayre, and a faire wi [...]e.

Of two calling for a break­fast.

TWo Gentlemen ta­king a roome in a Ta­verne, having call'd for Wine, asked the Drawer what they might have to breakefast, who told them, there was nothing, but a peece of Beefe in the Pot, [Page 119] [...]nd that was not halfe sod; [...]o [...]aith one of them [...] I am [...]ery hungry, I prethee [...]hen, till thy Beefe be rea­ [...]y, let me have a slice of [...]oft-meate cut from the [...]pit.

Of three things to be bewared.

THree things all men ought to beware of: Not to be inquisitive into other mens secrets, for it may breed thee danger; to [...]ouch nothing in a Smiths [...]hop, le [...]t thou burne thy [...]ingers; and to ta [...]te no­thing when thou art at the [Page 120] Apothecaries, le [...]t in the stead of a preservative, thou lightest upon poy­son.

Of one that came reeling from the Taverne.

A Gentleman that came reeling from a Ta­verne, and indentering all the way, (it bei [...]g late in the night) the watch came about him, and began to to lay hold of him: who startling at their sudden approach, as new waked out of a dreame, asked what was to pay? They perceiving he came newly [Page 121] out of a Taverne, told him, that it was not likely, that a Gentleman of his fashion, would leave the house without paying the reckoning; who answered them againe, If the recko­ning bee paid, why then doe you bring mee these Bills.

Of one dancing upon the Ropes.

A Meere naturall Foole, comming by chance into a place where one was dancing on the Ropes, whose foote failed him, and hee fell to the ground, [Page 122] at which, all the specta­tors fell into a great laugh­ter; one Foole put fin­ger in the eye, and wept, and being demanded the reason thereof, made an­swer, Marry because they call mee a Foole, that have the wit to keepe my feete upon the ground, and tooke him for a wise man, who dancing in the Aire, is at every step he takes, ready to breake his necke.

Of one that bought a Mare in Smithfield.

ONe bargaining for a Mare in Smithfield, and being a man knowne, paid downe hal [...]e his mo­ney in hand, and promised him [...]to bee a de [...]tor unto him for the rest; the seller, some two dayes after, meeting with the buyer, demanded his mony; who told him, hee had in all things punctually kept his bargaine; for, saith hee, if I should pay you the re [...]t of the money, I am then no more you debtor.

An old Proverb.

IT hath beene an old Proverbe, and for the most part true, Those men, undoubtedly, grow rich, whose wives dye, and whose Bees pro [...]per.

Things [...]hat cannot bee hid.

LOve, the Cough, Fire, and griefe.

How one saluted a Gentle­woman.

ONe meeting a Gentle­woman in the streetes bare brested, & naked halfe way to the waste, came to her, and whispering in her eare, as he laid his hand up­on her breasts, asked her, if that flesh were to be sold? who in a great anger an­swered him, no; no, saith hee: then sweete Lady, I could wish you to [...]hut up your shop windowes.

Of an Hare- [...]nder.

A Fellow that used to finde Hares for gentle­men in the Country, rela­ted this for a truth, that as hee was pacing over the Fallowes, hee spyed a hare sitting in her Furme, whose nature is, that shee will not rise, whil [...] you fixe your eye stedfastly upon her; which he did, and stooping on the one side to take up a stone, or something to strike her where shee sate, he suddenly catcht hold of another Hare, that was fur­med at his foote, and casting [Page 127] her at that which hee spyed first, tooke her just in the rising, and broke both their neckes. Beleeve him who li [...]t.

In what things women must not bee be­leeved.

IN these things women (as I have heard from the mouth of a woman) are not to be credited. First, if she shee weepe; for shee hath Teares at her will: next, if she [...]eigne her selfe sicke; beleeve her not, till thou [...]eest her quite dead: last, if she eate not at the Table, [Page 128] thi [...]ke, either she hath be­fore broke her fast, or else reserv'd some choise bi [...] for her selfe a [...]ter din­ner.

Of a Farmers wife in the Countrey.

A Plaine Countrey Far­mer, having never been call'd into Office be­fore, was made Constable; and taking it to be a great addition to his reputation, against the next Sunday he bought his wife a new gown, with a lace on every seame, the like of which [...] her mother had scarce [Page 129] worne before, with other accowterment, in which shee was [...]o shew her selfe the next Sunday; but com­ming late to Church, (fo [...] she was long in making her selfe ready) just at the time when al the people rose up at the reading of the Go­spell, she thinking they had done it in reverence of her, said to them all aloud, I thanke you good people, even with all my heart, and I will so order the busines, that this kindnesse shall be requited before my hus­band goeth out of his Of­fice.

What maketh men keepe home.

A House kept sweete, want of company a­broad, Adversity, and a Wife that is w [...]ll conditi­oned.

Of a Gardner, who brought a Present of Fruits to his Land-lord.

A Gardner had planted, or [...]rafted too sorts o [...] Kentish Pippins, and when the time of their ripenesse came, he brought some [Page 131] of either, and presented them to his Land-lord, and sayd, Sir, taste that Apple, it is the best that ever grew upon the ground; and when you have done, taste this, for it is better than the other.

Of a Countrey-fellow.

A Countrey-fellow in Bartholmew Faire-time comming something late through the Charter­house, when it was but al­most night, spy'd a mel­low Peare before him, which some had scattered; which tasting, and finding [Page 132] it to relish well i [...] his mouth, he imagined that it had dropt from one of those Trees, and having a good cudgell in his hand, he so belabor'd the poore Elmes, till the people that passed by, and perceived the errour, laught him to scorne.

Things that trouble a family.

A Hen without Egges, a Sow without Pigs, a Cow without Milke; the Daughter a wanderer, the Sonne a gamester; the good-man that loves his [Page 133] Maide, the Wife that robs her Husband.

Of a young Wench [...]omming to confession.

A Young Girle com­ming to Confession, told her Gho [...]tly Father, that she had beene with a young man in the Hey: Ey but said he, what did you there [...] To whom she answered, what an old Foole are you, that have lived to these yeeres, and know not what a young [...]ellow and a Wench can­not finde themselves to doe in an Hey-loft?

Of two Women scolding.

TWo women scoldi [...]g, the one call'd the o­ther Whore; who answe­red her againe, 'tis tru [...], and thou woul [...]st bee one too, but that thou art so ugly, that no man will have to doe with thee.

Of things which scarce can be avoided.

A Young Wen [...]h with­out a Sweet-heart, a Faire without [...]heeves, a Jew without Wealth, an [Page 135] old Barne without Mic [...], an old Garment without Lice, an old Goate with­out a Beard, and a [...] old Usurer without the Devil.

Of a simple fellow that bought an Alma­nacke.

A Simple fellow would needs goe in Pauls Church-yard to buy an Almanacke, and when he came home, hee looked for this Holy day, and [...]no­ther Holy-day; a [...] length he finds out Easter-day, and sayes aloud, O strange, saith he, Easter-day falls [Page 136] upon a Sunday this yeere.

Of Ralph Urbin.

RAlph Vrbin being a ve­ry excellent and skil­full Painter, upon a time hearing two Cardinals, (with whom he was very familiar) to reproove and finde fault (onely for to anger him) with a certaine Picture of Saint Peter, and Saint Paul, which he had very ar [...]ficially painted, and finished; saying, that the Pictures faces were too high-coloured, and too red; without further stu­dying, hee gave them this [Page 137] answer [...] My Lords, m [...]r­vaile not hereat, for I have purposely so painted them, as they are now in Heaven, and not as they were upon Earth; for this Rednesse commeth unto them, blushing even for very shame, to see the Church so ill governed, and out of repaire, by such and such, li [...]e as your Lordships.

Of a Scrivener.

A Petition was brought upon a time to a Scri­vener, to see how hee lik'd the forme of it, whereupon [Page 138] hee answered, and said, that hee was a Goose that drew it; for sayd he, I [...]py twenty, and twenty faults in this Petition, which hee hath left out.

Of a silly fellow.

THere was a man of no little account, which was brought before a Judge of a Court, to take his Oath to such, and such Articles, as hee shouldbee examined upon; and when he was gone, hee asked one of his Neighbours, if that were all, to lay his hand upon a Booke, and [Page 139] kisse it? I said the other; it is then no matter, said the fellow, as long as I did not sweare by God.

Of a poore man in Prison.

THere was a poore man which had [...]aine long in Prison upon an Execu­tion; a friend came to him, and would [...]aine have had him out of the Prison to the next Taverne to drink with him; no said hee, I cannot goe out, why, said his friend? because [...]aith he, I am impaled with a Brick­wall.

A witty Answere of a Parson [...]

A Certaine Ecclesiastical man having but one Benefice, envyed most sharply against chose that were Non R [...]idents: It came to passe by tract of time, that he happened to joyne one Benefice to a­nother, and as hee was reprooved for it by some of his friends, who of­tentimes had heard him speake, and preach a­gainst it, and had knowne him alwa [...]es to be of a con­trary opinion: hee gave [Page 141] them this answere, I crave pardon for it sirs, for it was but for want of sight; for he that hath but one eye, see­eth not so cleare, as he that hath two▪ My Benefice which I had first, was but one eye, wherewith I did see, but now having two eyes, I perceive things more apparant than be­fore.

A witty answer of a man to his Wife.

A Certaine Gentleman having married a young maid, which had a good portion; after two [Page 142] or three dayes hee negle­cted [...]sporting and playing with her, and fell to his ac­customed use of reading, and studying; after a while, his wife not liking hee [...]ould reade and study so much, came unto him, and said, O husband, I would I weere a booke, then I know you would love me, and looke in me, and turne me over and over: would you be a book, [...]aid he [...] yes said shee, what booke said hee? any booke said shee, then said he, I would thou wert an Almanacke, that then I might have one e­very yeare.

Of the Arch-Bishop of Colen.

A Certaine Labourer, as hee saw upon a time, the Arch-Bishop of Colen riding all in armes, accom­panied with a great troop of old souldiers, did hearti­ly laugh at it; hereupon, being demanded why hee did laugh [...] answered sim­ply, that he did but smile, marvailing, that St. Peter, Christs Vicar, (being him­selfe very poore) had left his Successors thus rich and wealthy, and were [...] ­ther accompanyed with Souldiers and Courtiers, [Page 144] than Church-men: The Arch-Bishop willing to in­struct hi [...] better in this poynt, tol [...] him, that hee was a Duke by birth, and an Arch-Bishop by cal­ling, and that hee, at that present, as Duke, went thus in armes, and guarded with souldiers; but when he had occasion to bee in the Church, that then he used himselfe as a Bishop: My Lord, (quoth the Labo­ror) I would to God then you would tell mee, that if the Dukes grace, should happen to fall to the Di­vels share, what should then become of my Lord, the Arch-Bishop.

Of John the eighth Duke of Britaine.

IOhn, the eighth Duke of Britaine, wi [...]ling to mar­ry his sonne Francis unto Isabel, daughter to the King of Scots: the young Prince inquired what shee was for a Lady; answere was made him, that she was a very faire D [...]mosell, well favoured, comely of body, and well disposed for to beare children, but that shee wants utterance: She [...]s such a one as I desire, quoth the Duke, for I ac­ [...]ount a woman wise enough, [Page 146] when she can make a difference betweene her husbands shirt, and his doublet; and to know his bed from another mans; and to keepe her out of the raine.

A witty answere of a Gentleman.

A Young Gentleman, whose mother being a long time a widow, and lately dead, did mourne for her, and being seen [...] upon a certaine time in the Kings Court, moun­ted on horse-backe, with his foote [...]cloth of Crimson [Page 147] Velvet, the Ladies, and other Gentlewomen of the Court, laughed him to s [...]orne; saying, that they found it very strange, to see his horse deckt with a foot-cloth of red Velvet, whe [...]eas hee himselfe did mourne for the death of his Mother: My Ladies, (replyed the Gentleman) you have heerein some reason, but yet yee ought to consider likewise, that the mother of my horse is not yet dead, as that hee should mourne for her.

Of a Gentleman buying a Horse in Smith­field.

A Gentleman being up­on a Market day in Smithfield to buy a horse, and liking a Stone-horse very well, asked [...] what price? the fellow told him, and withall, said the fel­low, he is as good a Stone gelding, as any is in my Lord Maio [...]s house.

Of a French Lawyer.

A Certaine French Law­yer, having in his life­time gathered together great riches and wealth, and having no kind [...]ed to whom he might be queath his wealth: as [...]ee lay up­on his death bed, he dispo­sed all his goods to bee im­ployed in the building of an Hospitall, whereinto, no other diseased persons should bee received, but such as were mad and lu­natick, allowing every man a large & ample portion to their maintenance, & willed, [Page 150] that upon both the fore-gate, and back-gate of the Hospitall, these words should be written, in large golden letters, Of mad men I got it, to mad men I leave it.

A good Lest of the Dutchesse of Bourbon.

THe Dutchesse of Bour­bon having in her Court a certaine waiting­maide, who for love had forgotten her selfe, and so was gotten with childe: and being chidden, and re­prooved for her fault, said, to excuse it, and to save [Page 151] her honesty, that a Gentle­man of the house had for­ced and deflowred her a­gainst her will: The Gen­tleman heereupon being called for to appeare, and cleare himselfe before the Dutchesse, she finding him guiltlesse, tooke his Ra­pier, and gave it to the Gentlewoman the accu­sant; and holding the Scabbard in her owne hands, bid her to put the Rapier into it againe: and as she endeavoured to doe it, the Dutchesse stirred her hands up and downe, inso [...]uch, that the Gentle­woman was not able to put the Rapier into the sheath: [Page 152] Whereupon the Dutchesse address [...] her selfe to the Gentlewoman, said unto her, Goe to no [...] good Hus­wife, if yo [...] had done as you have seene mee doe with the S [...]bbard, you would never have fal [...]e into this inconvenience, wherein you are at this present, by your owne fault and folly.

Of a fellow which robbed a Vestry.

A Wicked Fellow for robbing of a Vestry, was brought before a simple Justice, and when they had accused him, and that he had nothing to say, to excuse himselfe, the [Page 153] Justice said, Alas poore [...]ellow, he did it for meere want, and for hunger; didst not said the Justice [...] yes said the fellow; let him goe, let him goe said the Justice, hee hath herein but saved the Church­wardens a labour.

Of a Gentleman, and a Farmer.

A Gentleman comming to a Countrey-far­mers house somewhat late, to buy some Oates, and it chanced that hee was a bed, and all his houshold likewise; the Gentleman [Page 154] still knocking at the doore very earnestly, answere was made, what lack you? I pray, said the Gentle­man, le [...] me speake with you; no said the [...]ellow, I cannot speake to yo [...]; for heere is no body at home but I, and m [...] wife, and some other that [...]re asleep, and another that is not well.

Of a silly Gentleman.

A Silly Gentleman that met a Gentlewoman, who newly before had bu­ried her Husband, asked her where hee was, shee [Page 155] answered, in Heaven; I never heard of it before, and that he was very sorry for it.

Of a Countrey-fellow.

A Countrey-fellow go­ing along the street in London, it happened that a masty-dogge ran upon him, he stooping to take up some stones to fling at him, cryed out, that he ne­ver knew stones tyed, and dogges loose.

Of a Lady, and her Tenant.

A Lady in the Country, invited at Christmas, divers of her Tenants, and friends; and having alittle before gotten the victory in a suite of Law of her ad­versary, said, that she was glad it was ended, for she had now gotten her will of him, besides great costs and charges of suit: one of her Tenants starts up, as they were set at Table, and said, he was very joyfull of it; for he knew that he had a wrong sow by the eare.

Of a Souldier.

A Souldier marching on his way, after a troop of horse, casting his eye upon the ground as he went, found a horse­shooe, and stucke it at his girdle, and so went still for­wards; at length a bullet came and hit him there; whereupon he said, a lit­tle armour will serve turne, if it were put in the right place.

Of a couple of Tailors.

A Couple of Tailors working [...]pon a shop [...]boord tog [...]ther, about nine of the clocke, the maid of the [...]ouse brings them an egg [...] to breakf [...]st; so one [...]ooke the poynt of his needle, and so did the other also, and began t [...] eate [...] at length, on [...] thought hee did not tak [...] up enough at a time, turne [...] the ey [...] of the needle, an [...] eates with that, which th [...] other presently espye [...] sweares a great oath, wha [...] [Page 159] you rogue, doe you eate with a malt-shovell.

Of three Souldiers.

THere were three soul­diers which had not a peny of money, and were very dry, and could not tell what to do [...]; one above the rest, goes into an Ale­house, and bids the other two come in with him, and then he cals to the man of the house, to give them three peny loaves, and when they were br [...]ught, one of them [...]aid, what do you thin e [...]ine Host that wee are Taylors? give [...]s [Page 160] three pots of Beere for them; so the man brought them three Cans of Beere, and when they had dranke them up, they were going away; the Host said, who shall pay for the Beere? why good man Rogue, said one of them, had not you three peny loaves for them? yes, said the Host, then said his man, pay for the bread; why you Rascall, said the other, had not you the bread a­gaine? so they went their way, laughing at the poore Tapster.

A cunning tricke of a Frier.

IT happened about Lent time, that a cunning Frier going up and downe to preach in [...]ownes and Vil­lages; and being [...] in his Ser­mō, he begged of the poor peopl [...] their charity [...] and told them many strange stories what hee had en­dured, at length hee said, i [...] they would give something largely, in the afternoone hee would [...]hew them such a Relique [...]hat they never saw; and [...]hat should bee a [...]eather [Page 162] of the Angell Gabriel: in the afternoone all the peo­ple flocked together, and offered store of money [...] now the Friar had got in [...] boxe, a feather of a Pea­cocks taile, which he [...] would have perswade [...] them, to have bin the An­gel Gabriels: Now his Hos [...] of the house, having for­merly looked in the boxe [...] and saw that it was nothing but a Peacocks taile, too [...] it out, and put in a handful of small cooles, the Frye [...] making ha [...]te to goe t [...] Church to get the mone [...] nere looked into the boxe but put it under his Gown and went his way; and being [Page 163] in his discourse, he told them, that he had brought what hee had promised; so al the people fixed their eyes on him sted [...]astly; then hee opened the boxe, and seeing nothing but small coales, told them, that hee had [...] mistaken the boxe which hee intended, bnt he would shew them a greater Relique, and that was some of the coales which Saint Lawrence was broyled upon; so the peo­ple went away satisfied; and the Host hearing this Knavery, told the Fryer, unlesse he would give him some of the money, hee would discover it; which [Page 164] hee did agree to, and s [...] they both laugh'd at th [...] simple people for belee­ving him.

Of a blind man, and his [...]oy.

A Poore man being strucken blind, an [...] not able to live, hyred [...] Boy to lead him from on [...] friends house to another to get food; and it happene [...] at one place they gave him both rost meate and boyl'd meate; the boy gave the blind man the boyl'd meate, and kept the rost for himselfe; at length his Master said, Sirrah, I smell [Page 165] [...]st meate, surely you have [...]me, but you cousen me, [...]ecause I cannot see, but have a good nose said the [...]oore man: at length the [...]oy had eaten all of it, and [...]s Master th [...]eatned to [...]eate him for so doing; [...]hereupon the boy makes [...]o more a doe, but led [...]im on a good round pace, [...]here in the mid-way [...]ood a whipping poste, [...]ainst which the poore [...]an hits his face a very [...]re knock; what sayes the [...]oy, can you smell rost [...]eat [...], and cannot you [...]ell t [...]e post?

An answer of a wife to a Neighbour.

A Couple of special friends meeting, di [...] salute one another i [...] the [...]reete, and one o [...] them had his Wife with him; and the other, whic [...] had not his wife to accom­pany him, sayes, Friend [...] your legges grow very lit­tle me thinks in the calfe and are shrunke up; hi [...] wife made answer, yet he [...] hath out-growne all h [...] night-caps.

A witty answer of a Gentlewoman.

A Ge [...]tlewoman com­ming into Pauls Church-yard among the Trunke-makers, to buy a [...]lose stoole, and the Trunke-maker asked a [...]reat price for it, and she [...]ound fault with the rate which he set upon it; then [...]aid the Trunke-maker, it [...]s a very strong one, and [...]t was better worth by two [...]hillings more, by reason of the Locke and spring it [...]ad: the Gentlewoman [...]nswered, there was no [Page 168] great need of a Key, for [...]hee would put nothing in­to it, but what she cared not who stole i [...] out.

Of an entertainment.

A Cittizen riding into the Countrey to take pleasure, and comming to his frie [...]ds house, and find­ing him at home, hee made him v [...]ry heartily welcome, and desired him to stay all night; [...]or hee should bee sure to have a flock-bed stuffed full of feathers, and you shall have it to your selfe, and I will lye with you.

Of a little Boy.

A Gentlewoman at the time of Christmas, in­vited to dinner divers of her neighbours, and when they were all come, and ready to sit downe, shee called her sonne, which was a little boy, and bid him have a care that he did not begge at Table, for if he did, shee would whip him; the boy waited at the Table a great while, and had nothing; he being ve­ry hungry, and seeing the Pyes almost eaten, saith, pray Mother give me some [Page 170] Pye, and I will not beg.

Of two Countrey fellows.

A Couple of Countrey­fellows going to mar­ket together, began to [...]ell stories; one saith, I did see a naked boy with his pockets full of Nuts, kill a dead Sow with a Crosse­bow; the other said, I shal have a Fustian Doublet made of as good Holland, as can be got for money; then said the other, I must buy some merry booke, [...] a lamentable tune: when shall I see that booke said the other [...] to morrow [Page 171] morning in the After­noone said hee; then said the other, I will tell you a strange thing, there was a woman living in our Towne, which had at five births ten children, and e­very one was a Girle, and a Boy.

Of a Co [...]ntrey [...]boy [...]tching P [...]ddings.

A Good hu [...]wi [...]e upon a time made Puddings, and when she had put them into a Kettle, and set them over the fire to boyle, shee called a little boy which was her sonne, to watch [Page 172] them, that when they began to leape, (as Pud­dings will doe when they are sod) to call her [...] the boy still looking in the Kettle, saw them stirre, yet never called his mother [...] at length the Puddings skinnes burst, and did swim about; the which the boy perceiving, cryed out, mother, mother, come away, the Puddings be­gin to leape, for their Jer­kins were off.

Of a jealous man, and how bee served his Wife.

A Man being jealous of his Wife, supposed that shee had made him of­ten a Cuckold, yet hee could never proove it; and shee still denied it: At length hee was perswaded by a friend of his, to use some tricke to make her confesse it; the project was invented, and then he put it to tryall [...] hee told his wife, by his skill, and some other advice, that whatso­ever hee prayed for, hee [Page 174] should obtaine; that is well said she, I like that with all my heart: Then said hee, Wife, pray tell me whether you did ever make me a Cuckold, yea, or no; never said she; so he went in, and made as if he kneeled downe to pray, and having in his pocket little tips of Hornes, clapt them upon his fore-head with a little glew, and so [...]ame forth, and said, looke wife, I prayed, if ever thou madest me a Cuc­kold, that I might have a horne, and you see, I hav [...] it; she at first not knowing what to say, began to cry him mercy, and told him, [Page 175] it was a great while agoe; it was when they we [...]e first married [...] well said her Husband, ne're but that time did you? No indeed said she: well said he, I wil try once more; so he went in, and did as he had done before, and came out with another Horne on; how now wife said hee, I thinke I shall finde out the truth: then she began to bethinke her selfe, and said, she did partly remember, that be­ing at a Taverne one night, and having drunke too much Wine, forgot her duty, and never since did it, nor never would a­gaine: Then said her Husband, [Page 176] I will try once more; then hee went in againe, and did as before, so hee came out with a third Horne, which shee see­ing, fell downe upon her knees, and desired par­don, and withall, to goe in to pray no more; for if he did, his head would be full.

Of three cheating fel­lowes.

THree notable shirk [...]s went into a Taverne to dinner, and had as much Wine and Meate, as came [Page 177] to sixe shillings; so the reckoning being brought up sixe shillings, they swore they had but two shillings to pay; the draw­er swore they had sixe to pay; so they called for the Master of the house, and told him, how is servant abused them, in saying they had sixe shillings to pay, and they had but two shillings; so a w [...]ger was laid, that they would prove before any man whatsoever, that they had sixe shillings to pay, and being come to try all, they told him, that they had but two shillings amongst them all; so they wonne [Page 178] the wager, and left the rest to pay.

Of a very silly fellow.

THere was an ignorant fellow brought before the Lords grace of Yorke, for having beene in the society, or company of Brownists; and having no­thing to say for himselfe, a Warrant was making to send him to Prison; which the fellow perceiving, fell downe upon his knees; saying, Good my Lord, my Lord, pray your Wor­ship, good your Worship be good to me; one of the [Page 179] Arch-Bishops men that stood next him, spoke soft­ly to him, and told him, he must say, your Grace, and not your Lordship; then the fellow cryed out, The eyes of all things looke up and trust in thee.

Another of a silly Wo­man.

IT happened that the good man of the house fell sicke of a Consumpti­on, whereupon, the Do­ctor of the Towne was sent for to have his advice, and being come, he advised [Page 180] him to take good com­fortable brothes, and to drinke Asses milke and Su­gar every morning, and if hee could get none about the Towne, to send to him, and hee would helpe him to some, and so the Do­ctor went his was; now as soone as the Doctor was gone, the mans Wife said, Husband, pray tell mee, doth master Doctor give sucke?

A mistake of the Maior of Quinborow.

VPON the death of Queene Elizabeth, the [Page 181] Maior of the towne, had a Warrant sent downe from the Councell to guard and make safe the Castle; hee being at a stand, called for the rest of his brethren, and being come into their Hal, or place where they keepe Court [...] he stood up upon a Hassocke, and made this speech, saying, Brethren, here's an arrant (hee meant a warrant) come downe, and therefore I thought it convenient, that we should dispaire to this place; and here being dissembled to­gether, wee might consult of our posterities; for the Queene is dead, and wee doubt, we must have another [Page 182] King or Queene, and I stand in great feare, the Commons will be unrude, and cause a strange Resur­rection, and so then will all our Monarchs (hee mea­ning Monuments) be quite undone, and our Towne having beene of that lasci­vious government, (mea­ning civill government) be turned of the other side o [...] the water, and so our re [...] scarlet gownes will be [...] wet; if wee bee forced t [...] swimme, for my part, I ca [...] swimme no more than [...] Goose.

Vpon a Sailer.

A Sayler riding between Dover and Graves­end, and having got a stum­bling horse, which had throwne him divers times; at the next Towne hee buyes a basket, and fild it full of Stones and gravell, and tyes it to his horses taile, which his company espying, asked him, what he meant by tha [...] [...]he an­swered, That he did it, be­ca [...]se his [...]rse went too m [...]h a head.

Another of a Countrey fellow.

IT happened, that at Christmas time, a gentle­man, who used to keepe a bou [...]tiful ho [...]se, having in­vited many of his friends and Tenants to dinner, one one amongst the rest, stay­ed two or three dayes, be­cause hee came a great way; at his departure hee thanked his La [...]dlord for his good cheare, and we [...]t away; as soone as he got home, they inquired what welcome hee had; O said this fellow, great plenty of [Page 185] every thing, the like hee had never seene; and e­specially, said the fellow, to me hee shewed such love, for hee commanded halfe a [...] Oxe to bee killed a purpose for my staying.

A witty one of a Iustice of Peace.

A Silly fellow being brought before a Ju­stice of Peace, for [...]tealing of some sheepe; the fel­low denyed it; at length witnesse came against him, and justified, that they saw him drive away sixe sheep; O said the Justice, were [Page 186] there no more of them? no said the Witnesse: the fel­low still denyed them, which the Justice hearing, said, Fellow, if thou hadst come to me, I could have given thee a Warrant to have stolne ten, but if you steale no more than tenne, it is no matter [...] no indeed, said the fellow, there were but foure which I had, but if I had knowne before, that your Worship would have given mee that liber­ty, I would have come to you: The Justice whispe­ring his Clerke in his eare, bad him make his Mitti­mus: wel, said the Justice, I will give you a Warrant [Page 187] [...]o s [...]eale ten, and no more [...]t a time; now the fellow [...]hought that the Clerke [...]ad beene making him [...]uch a Warrant, the fel­ [...]ow stept to him, and [...]poke softly to him, and [...]ntreated him to put in a [...]ittle Bullocke in the Warrant likewise: so the [...]ellow was committed to [...]rison, & the J [...]stice high­ [...]y commended for his [...]lot.

Of a coup [...]e walking to­gether.

TWo neighbours going to take the ayre in the [Page 188] fields, and comming into the high-way, one spyed a company of sheepe, the other commended them because they were so fat, and large; the other sayd againe, I would I had one of them: what would you doe with it said the other? I would invite some of my best friends to supper, and make a venson pasty of it.

Of a Wel [...]h begg [...]

A Poore Welch-man comming towards London to get preferment, and having got a way of riming, or je [...]ting, came [Page 189] [...]o a Widows house, which [...]tood on a Greene, and [...]ecause shee would give [...]im nothing, hee would make verses to scoffe her, which were these.

There [...]dwelt a Widow upon agreene,
She [...] [...]ad a nose like to a Swine;
Shee had feete like to any Geese;
I tr [...]w you had now better gi­ven some Cheese.

Of a Cooke of a Colledge.

THe Cooke of a Col­ledge, by s [...]lding o [...] brewes for the Schollers, and having a sp [...]nd-thri [...] [...]onne, built a faire house, with an inte [...]t to leave it to him as a competency; [...] Scholler observing it, wrot [...] upon the Doore these Lines,

D' yee see this House? 'twas greace that [...]
But ere't be l [...]ng the [...] will m [...] it.

[Page 193] ler? I tell thee boy, it is a Mill: the boy replyed, I thought it had beene a pri­son, because my minde gave me, that I should see a Thee [...]e looke out.

Of a Countrey-Iustice.

A Country Justice, som­what imperious a­mongst his neighbours, had offended a Neighbour in such a way, that he knew not how to right himselfe: whereupon this man, with another very loving friend of his, complotted an irre­mediable revenge upon the Justice, insomuch that [Page 194] this man should give his friend a boxe on the eare, which was done, and with­all, by vertue of the Justice his Warrant should be sent for, which was also per­formed: The Warrant be­ing se [...]ved, they both im­mediately appeared; the Justice glad of such an op­portunity, spoke very powerfully, and asked him why hee had broken the peace, in striking his neighbour? To which the other answered not at all: The Justice threatned him, that i [...] hee would not an­swer, hee would lay him by the heeles: neverthe­lesse the other would not [Page 195] answer a word; insomuch that his Mittimus was made, and delivered in­to the Constables charge: But as hee was going out, the Justice recalled him, and bid him answere for himselfe; and withall as­ked him, why hee would not speake [...] He answered, that hee durst not; why man said the Ju [...]tice? your Worship lookes so like a Lyon; when didst thou see a Lyon said the Justice? the other replyed, I saw a Butcher the other day, carry two on horse-backe, bound by the legges: the Justice replyed, away y'are both Knaves, and so dis­missed [Page 196] missed them, without any more words.

Of a silly Painter.

A Countrey-painter be­ing imployed accor­ding to direction, to write some things upon the Church-wall, a Gentle­man came into the Church, and perceiving the Painter not to write true English, called to him, and asked him, why he wrote [...]ot true English? The Painter answered, Truely Sir, the Countrey wil not goe to the charges of the [Page 197] writing true English.

A mistake of a Country­fellow.

A Countrey-novice cō ­mi [...]g to London, and comming to his lodging late in the night, hee met with a Bulker, alias, a Wa­scotiere, and courting her according to his countrey­conscience, somewhat Butcher-like, hee asked her what it was shee had, that was so stubbed? what said shee? It is my Nun­quam sat is: How quoth he, a Nunne and a Papist? [Page 198] If thou beest a Nunne, I cham sure cham no Pa­pist.

Of a Thatcher.

A Thatcher being on the top of a Barne at his worke, the Barne be­ing on the high-wayes side, a drunken Coach­man driving without feare, or wit, swept away the Ladder that the Thatcher was at worke upon, ins [...] ­much that the Thatcher seeking to save himselfe by catching hold, but to no purpose, came tumbling [Page 199] downewards, and still said, Lord, what shall I doe? but when he came to the Eaves, and saw that he must fall, swore a great Oath, what a fall shall I have now!

Of an old Fidler.

AN old Fidler having beene over-watcht, and drunke withall, ha­ving need to make water, the rest of his crew perfor­ming their duties, going downe to that intent, mis­tooke his way, and in­stead of going backwards, went forwards into the [Page 200] streete, and bestriding the Ke [...]nell, Colossus like, he boldly turn'd the Cocke, and let his water run free­ly; the people passing by, checked him for it, it be­ing towards noone: Hee answered them, saying, Peace you fooles, peace, wee doe not know our owne Happinesse: What a Gracious Prince have we, that will suffer his Subjects to stand and pisse in the streets.

Of a Country man that lost his way in London.

A Countrey man of good e­state,
His way had lost, it being late,
And meeting with another man,
Said, tell me good sir, if you can,
The way to Newgate; I would know
The ready way, I pray you show:
Cut a purse, saith he, and you shall [...]nde
The ready way, though you were blinde.

Of a young Merchant and a Fidler.

A Young Merchant man comming home from Sea, being merrily dispo­sed at a Taverne, amongst his friends, called for Mu­ficke, and amongst other of their course discourse, some was about Womens unconstancy; the Merchant would undertake to winne the good will of any wo­man in few houres; th [...] Fidler replyed, that he had such a woman to his wife, that he durst presume, shee would not prove false unto [Page 203] him: the Merchant reply­ed unto the Fidler, that hee would lay his ship, and all her lading (which was bnt newly come home) a­gainst his fiddle, that hee should finde to the con­trary [...] well, a bargaine is a bargaine, quoth the Fidler, a ma [...]ch, quoth the Mer­chant, and with the licence of the Fidler, away hee went to court his new Mi­stris, how hee [...]sed her I know not, but the Sequell sheweth hee was not un­kinde: In the meane time commeth the Fidler with his croude, and su [...]g this to his musicke.


Hold out sweete Kate, hold out,
Hold out but these 2 houres;
If thou hold out, there is no doubt,
[...]ut the ship and a [...] is ours.


In truth sweet Robin I can­not,
He hath caught me about the middle;
He hath me wonne, thou [...]rt undone,
Sweete Robin thou hast lost thy Fiddle.

Of a Puritan, and a merry Fellow.

A Company of Neigh­bours being merry to­gether, by accident one of them was a Puritane, and one of the company by chance sneezing, as it is the common custome, some of the rest said, God blesse you [...] The Puritanes zeale being heated, told them, they spoke in vaine, for they should have spoken before he had s [...]eezed: A mad merry fellow hearing him say so, cryed out, O I sneeze, I sneeze, Christ [Page 206] blesse you, quoth the Pre­cissian, with that the man routed out an [...]gly Fart, whereat all the company laughed heartily, but the Puritane was forced to get him gone.

Of a Citizen and his Sonne.

A Citizen having invi­ted many of his neigh­bours to supper, his sonne being one of the servitors, by chance reaching o [...] a glasse of Wine over his fa­thers shoulder, his father leaning suddainely backe­ward, made his sonne to [Page 207] spill the Wine, and being very angry, gave his sonne a god boxe on the [...]are, his sonne standing in a maze, yet recollecting his spi­rits, suddenly with his fist stroke one of his neigh­bours that sate next to his Father; whereat the man amazed, so likewise all the company, deman­ded the reason, the youth readily replyed, let it goe round I pray you, and it will come to my father a­non.

Of a Gentleman and his Tenant [...]

A Gentleman in the Countrey, sitting in a Taverne with other Gen­tlemen, espyed one of his Tenants in the streets, and beckning to him, to have him come to him, telling the company, that they should see him put a good jest on his Tenant: well, in comes the old man, the Landlord tooke a cup of Wine, and dranke to him, saying aloud, heere's to you, and to al the Whores, Witches, Bauds, Knaves, [Page 209] and Rogues in the whole Kingdome; The poore deafe man, with his hat in his hand, answered, I thanke your good wor­ship (making many Legs) I pray you remember your Father and Mother, your good brothers and sisters, your pretty Children, and all the rest of your kinred; whereat all the company laughed hearti­ly, but the Gentleman bit his lippe for very an­ger.

Of a fellow that stole a Pig.

A Countrey fellow be­ing deafe, having stoln a Pig, the Pig as their man­ner is, cryed pittifully, but the deafe man seeing him onely gape, as he thought, it makes no matter, said he, gape so long as thou wil [...], so that thou dost not cry, but they that owed the Pig followed him, hearing him say so, told him, that if hee used such trickes, it would spoyle his gaping, and so tooke the Pig from him, and beate him sound­ly.

Of two th [...]eves in Newgate.

TWo Theeves beeing brought to Newgate for theft, the one had stoln a Watch, the other a Mare, and having taken up their lodgings, the one of one side, the other of the other side, and being merrily disposed, saies he that stole the Mare, thinking to put a tricke on the other, calling aloud, Jack, Iack, what's a Clocke by your Watch [...] the other quicke and wit­tily replyed, It is almost time Tom to water your Mare.

A witty answer of one in Newgate.

ANother mad compa­nion being brought to Newgate for some riot by hi [...] committed, and some of his old companions see­ing him there, asked him, Why how now Wil, with a vengeance how camst thou here? by my troth honest Ned, said he, any blind man might as easily have come here, as well as my selfe, for I was led.

Of a Country-man comming up to London in the Tearm [...] time to end a suite in Law.

A Countrey Farmer ha­ving beene long in suit of Law, and put off from Tearme to Tearme, com­ming up at Mi [...]haelmas Tearme, thinking to end his businesse, was suddenly affronted by one of his neighbours, who asking him how all matters stood, the other answered, hee hoped al [...] would be ended this Tearme: I am very sorry said the other, I shall [Page 214] tell you ill newes; what said the other? why, your Cause is remooved to Leichfield: Let them re­moove it to the Devill, chill have a Lawyer to fol­low it.

Of two stammerers, by chance meeting to­gether.

THere dwelt a Gentle­man in Shropshire, that had a great imperfection in his speech, that when hee had strove most to speake, he could not utter his words, but stammer much: This Gentleman [Page 215] going a hunting, by chance lo [...]t his Game, the Har [...], and the Dogges, and mee­ti [...]g with a Countrey [...]man that stutred as fast as he, as­ked him if hee did see, see, see, s, s, s, the Hare? the o­ther striving to answer him, made such a many faces, striving to s [...]eake, n, n, n, no, no; the Gentle­man out of his fury think­ing he had mock't him, fell a beating him soundly; but there was such stutring, and such faces betwixt them, that either thought the o­ther did mocke him: At length there came a neigh­bour of the Gentlemans by at the present, and perceiving [Page 216] the mistake in both of them, and very well knowing them both, told the Gentleman, that the poore man meant no hurt, and could speake no otherwise than himselfe: the Gentleman perceiving that it was the truth, cra­ved pardon, and to the Ale they went, where they were made great friends; the Gentleman e­ver after remayning a very good friend to his fellow­stammerer.

Diog [...]nes his wish concer­ning Women.

IT is written that Dioge­nes the Philosopher, did so much hate all Women, that one shewing him where a Woman hanged her selfe upon a Tree, be­cause she was jealous, find­ [...]ng her Maids smocke on [...]he [...]edge by her husbands [...]hirt, Diogenes answered, [...]errily laughing, I would [...]hat all trees did beare such [...]ruite.

Of a Welchman and an English-man.

ONe thinking to mocke a Welch man, because one of his Countrey-men was hanged that day a­mongst other English-men, hit him in the teeth with it; it is true quoth the Welch­man, but there were ten English-men hanged with him; and wee ca [...] well af­ford one Welch-man out of the way, as well as you can so many English.

Of a Lawyer, and his Clyent.

A Merry conceited Law­yer thinking to breake a jest upon one of his Cly­ents who had a rich face, called unto him, saying, you with the copper-nose, what say you to me? true­ly answered the man, I say nothing but this, that I will not change my cop­per-nose for your brazen face.

Of a poore widow, and her sonne.

ONce upon a time there was a poore Widow, whom her Husband had left very poore, and in Deb [...]; having one Sonne, a very untoward boy: the Quarter-day comming on, she could not tell how to make shift to pay her Rent, at la [...]t bethinking with her selfe what to doe, she had three Kine, one of which shee meant to sell; and therefore called her sonn [...] Iacke Spye, (for that was his name) bidding him to [Page 221] goe to the Market, and sell such a Cow, at such a price at least; Iacke did as his Mother commanded him, but by the way, as hee was driving the Cow, an old man asked him where he was going, Iacke replyed, to the Market; Oh sayes the old man, if thou wilt give me the Cow, I will bestow on thee such a gift, that what­soever thou bid'st stand, it shall stand still, till thou bidst it doe the contra­ry: Iacke thinking himselfe a brave fellow to doe such prankes, agreed, and so [...]et the old man have his Cow: returning home to [Page 222] his Mother, telling her what brave things hee could doe, and all taught him for his Cow, the poore woman was almo [...] out of her wits for this her sonnes idlenesse; [...]yet ho­ping that hee would not serve her so any more, sent him away the second time with another Cow; Iacke hasts him away to the Mar­ket, and going on sing­ing, met with his old Chapman, which asked him, saying, How now Iacke? whither art thou going? Iacke sayd, to the Market, to sell my Cow: Oh sayes the old man, if thou wilt let me have thy [Page 223] Cow, I will give thee the bravest Rat that ever thou didst see, and if thou dost bid her goe, and bite him Rat, she shall doe it pre­sently; besides, shee shall shew a great many more tricks to procure laughter; Iacke was very unwilling, remembring how hee was served for the last fault; yet, seeing such pretty tricks of the Rat, Iacke thought once more to ve [...] ­ter his breech, and so let the man have the Cow, and home hee comes to his Mother, thinking to please her with his Rats trickes: the poore woman heereat was almost out of her wits, [Page 224] not knowing how to pay her Land-lord, who was a very cruell man, fell a­bout her sonne, and bela­boured his J [...]cket [...] yet all this was nothing to her Rent, that sh [...]e must have, or else be turned out of doores: she had one Cow left, and calling her sonne Iacke to her, first rebu­king him for his idlenesse, allead [...]ing her poverty, and how hee and she were utterly undone.

Of a Countrey-fellows ho [...]esty.

A Young man who lived in the Countrey, came up to London, which was the first time of his being there; and having ended his busines, departed from thence, and when [...]e came neere home, hee met with his friend, telling him, hee had beene at London, and seene the Lord M [...]or; Ey but said his friend, did hee take any notice of thee? none at all said he, onely I put off my Hat to him, and he did his duty to me.

Of a Puritan.

ONe of the Tribe com­ming into Newgate ­market to buy a Cheese of a Cheese-monger, & after he had seene two or three severall Cheeses, the Ma­ [...]ter of the shop desired him to taste of them, to see which hee liked best; and putting the taste of the Chee [...]e to his mouth, hee put off his Hat, and began a long Grace, which the Cheese-monger seeing, [...]n [...]tched up his Cheese, & said, Nay sir, since you, in­stead of a taste, meane to make a dinner of my [Page 227] cheese, you shall buy none of me, for I did not buy it after that rate.

Of a Mayor of the Towne of Quinborow.

THe Maior of the Towne, would needs one day desire his brethren to accompany him to hunt the Hare; and as [...]hey were at the sport, one of the Hunt [...]emen came to the Maior, and asked him, how he liked the Crie of the Hounds? a poxe take the dogs saith Master Maior, they make such a bawling that I cannot heare the crye.

Of a Fidler.

DIvers Gentlemen be­ing a [...] [...]s [...]ington to make merry, called for the Fid­le [...]s [...] it ha [...]ned that one of [...]he Fidlers were blind, and staying so [...]ewhat late at night, at last, they going away, one amongst the rest, called for the Tap­ster of the house to light the blinde Fidler downe the stayers; to whom the fellow said, Sir, the Fidler is blinde; thou rogue, said one of the company, hee hath neede of the more light.

Of a Sailer on Horsebacke.

A Sailer riding one day between Rochester and Gravesend, and being not used to ride, the horse be­ing all on sweat, and being to passe through a river; offered to water the horse before hee ridde him in so deepe as the footlocke; one of his company s [...]eing him, and knowing the dan­ger which might come to [...]he horse, call'd upon him [...]o ride in de [...]per; the o­ [...]her not knowing the rea­ [...]on, made him this answer, First stay til he hath drunk [Page 230] off all this, and then I will ride him in farther, where he may have his belly full.

A Parish Clerkes mistake.

AN honest man, a Parish Clerke, and a Free man of the City o [...] Lo [...]don, and by professio [...] a [...] being bidde [...] b [...] [...]h [...] Preacher, before h [...] w [...] into the Pulpit, [...] hee found himself [...] at the present not well t [...] s [...]g a Psalme of som [...] [...]ength, I will, said he, an [...] [...]hus spake aloud: I intreat [...] you good people, to sin [...] [Page 231] the Lamentation of a Skin­ner.

Another of the like.

IN some parish Churches, there be two Clerks, and it hapned they fell both a­sleepe in the Sermon time, the Sermon being ended; one that stood by them awaked them; presently one of them perceiving the Sermon done, spake with a loud voyce, and de­sired them to sing All peo­ple: the other Clerke hea­ring him, starts up, and saies, Hang all people, sing me the hundred Psalme.

Of a silly Mai [...]r.

A Maior of a Corpora­tion in the North­Countrey, just upon the Death of Queene Eliza­beth, tooke an occasion to call his br [...]thren together in their Towne-hall, and to make a speech, what a good Queene they had lost, but wished them to take com [...]ort: for Pompey and Alexander were dead, and all the Nine World­lings were dead, but none of all these were so good a Queene as she: and more­over, as Master Schoolemaster [Page 233] calls it, where there are no Justices of peace, and that no Officers have any power, but Maiors, Bailiffes, and Constables, by reason of whi [...]h many Scabal-croes and varlets take opportunities to com­mit divers outrages, and mu [...]inies, hoping to scape unpunished; but saith hee, if all other M [...]gi [...]trates will take that stri [...]t order that I purpose to doe, there shal none of them all have the least hope of a resurrecti­on.

Of a [...] ignorant fellow.

ONe having occ [...]sion to ride forth into the Countrey, to see some of his friends and acquain­tance, chanced to meete with one of his friends ser­vants, and demanded of him how his Master and Mistresse did? they are both in good health said he, and where hast thou beene? Why quoth hee, my Master hath a Sow to bee guelded, and I have beene with my Co [...]zen S [...]arpe, to know when the Moone changed, and hee [Page 235] told me, to morrow, at Ele­ven a Clocke in the af­ter-noone, at whose [...]im­plicity the other laughed exceedingly.

Of an Apple-pye.

ONe being a [...]ongst a company of good fel­lows, and espying a Co­st [...]rmonger that passed by, being very desirous to play with him for his basket of Peares, called him backe, the Costermonger being more forward than wise, and having more Dice i [...] his pockets than Crownes in his purse, willingly pulled [Page 236] them out, and after some play, lost al his pears; the other had not so soone won them, but as willingly distributed them: a friend of his being in the pre­sence, was angry with him for parting from them so slightly; Why, saith hee, what should I have done with them? what should you have done with them, replyed his friend, you should rather have taken them home to your wife, that she might have made some Apple-pyes for you [...] Children.

Of yong Urbanus going into the Cou [...]trey t [...] receive his Wifes P [...]rtion.

YOung Vrba [...]us being newly marryed, and having never beene in the country, would needs take a journy to fetch his wifes portion, leaving her at home to looke to his house and servants; on the way, he chanced to meete with one, who unknown to him, had formerly bore good wil to his wife, and hearing she was newly married, was going to her to make a re­visit; Vrbanus glad to see one coming towards him, [Page 238] gave him the time of the day, and beeing over­joyed to heare the birds sing so sweetly, made him break out into these words; O Sir, I am almost ravished to heare these sweete and melodious tunes, which proceed from yonder pret­ty birds, wondring much, likewise, that they have so much wit to observe the time and season of the yeare; it is no matter of wonder, said the other, to heare them so pleasant in the spring, but you being a stranger in these things, do well to apply your [...]are so diligently to their sounds, which I hope may bee so [Page 239] profitable unto you; that your selfe may learne to sing Cuckoo in your return.

Of three Countrey-men be­ing come up to London, and their usage there.

THree Countrey-men having occasion to come up to London to the Terme, when there was but a small sicknesse, they were yet somewhat afraid where they should lye when they came, and cal­ling to minde a Gentle­man that had beene some­what beholding to them a [Page 240] little before, when he was in those parts, thought it not amisse, if they could, to get a lodging at his house; this resolved on, they no sooner came into the City, but by chance met with him, and after their salutati­on, one of them thus be­gan: Sir, the danger of the time, and feare of the sick­nesse, makes us doubtfull where to lodge, being strangers; but if wee may desire so much favour of you, as to helpe us to some place convenient fer our short stay, wee will not onely bee thankfull i [...] words, but study to de­serve it in deeds: The [Page 241] Gen [...]leman hearing this, (yet did expect nothing) tooke them home with him, and entertained them with much respect; at length when they had done what they could in the Court, they were wil­ling to dismisse themselves and returne homeward; so taking their leave of the Gentleman; nay, saith he, I will [...]bring you to the Townes end, and would gladly shew you some sights, if you staied longer, but now Hcan shew you none, without your hinde­rance, onely in your way, I can shew you a couple of Baboones and a J [...]ckanapes, [Page 242] they being very de­sirous to s [...]e the sight; whereupon, he pulled out a Looking-glasse, and bad each of them looke into that.

Of three Countrey men com­ming to the Royall Exchange.

TWo or three Country people being at Lon­don, and being brought by some of their friends to see the Royall Exchange, they staring up, saw the Kings and Queenes round about them, and wōdring what they should [Page 243] bee, asked one of their ac­quaintance which came a­long with them, what those were? Hee made answer, and told them, that they were all the Kings and Que [...]nes, that had ever beene in this Land: I saies the other, then I doe intend to put off my hat with all speede, for feare I should bee su­spected of Treason, be­ing, as I thinke in the Pre­sence Chamber.

Of Cou [...]trey men that went to see sights in London.

THree or foure plaine Fellowes comming to see sights, desired to see the Tower, one of their friends told them, I will goe with you, and you [...]hall see the Lyons too; when they en­tred, the roome smelt very strong; one of them said pre [...]ently, I thinke this pl [...]ce be invincible, why so said the other? why neigh­bour saies he, do you think that ever such creatures as these, will yeeld up to the [...]nemy?

Of a silly fellow that saw the ships lye at Anchor.

ONe comming to the Thames side, saw ma­ny [...]lusty ships lye at An­chor, and having never seene any before, won­dred with himselfe what they should bee, and at last asking a fellow that stood by, what they were? to whom hee answered, that they were the Merchants Forrest, or wood; it may very well bee so indeed, saith hee, but [...]e tell you Si [...], I have often mus'd [Page 246] what became of the great Forrest in our Countrey, and now I see that our ground was too dry to nourish them, and [...]o be­like they have set them to grow here.

Of two or three conferring together.

THree or foure Gentle­men meeting toge­ther, they were discoursing busily about the Fast, be­ing a Wednesday: What saies one, there will bee a Sermon on Wednesday at St. Paules; no, [...]aies ano­ther, not so, because it is contrary to the Procl [...]mation; [Page 247] Tush, saies a­nother, what if Good­Fry day should fall upon a Wednesday, should wee not then have a Sermon thinke yee? nay saies the other I cannot resolve you of that point Gentlemen; faith saies the third, for ought I know, if the Sicknesse continue, wee are not like to have a Passi­on Sermon, because the Fast is very like to bee on that day.

Of a Countrey-fellow selling an Horse.

A Countrey-fellow ha­ving an Horse to sell, one came to him, and did aske him how old he was, and of what price, the o­ther answered, that he was eight, and his price was Twelve pound; saith the other, is he as good as you say hee is, and no older? Faith saith the other, hee is as good an Horse as ever wore s [...]ooe of leather, and I know him to bee better now, than h [...]e was Nine yeer [...]s agoe.

Of two or three going to heare a Sermon.

TWo or three com­ming into a P [...]rish­Church in London, a Pu­ritan being to preach, to heare [...] Sermon, the one said to the other, let us stay all the time, fo [...] hee that preaches, is a worthy zea­lous Teacher: well, stay­ing a while to heare P [...]ay­ers, and marking how hee minced it, and did not read halfe of it, away went he, his friends wondring at his departure; hee told them, how is it possible [Page 250] that hee should preach so well, when he can pray no better? but the other told him, that he did not care for the booke of Common prayer, because he thought it to be Popish; the other answer'd, nor I for his Sermon then, because I thinke it will be foolish.


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