The meaning of the Embleme.

THe Deuill, the Flesh, the World doth Man oppos [...]
And are his mighty and his mortall foes:
The Deuill and the whorish Flesh drawes still,
The World on Wheeles runs after with good wille
For that which wee the World may iustly call
(I meane the lower Globe Terrestriall)
Is (as the Deuill, and a Whore doth please)
Drawne here and there, and euery where, with ease
Those that their Liues to vertue heere doe frame,
Are in the World, but yet not of the same.
Some such there are, whom neither Flesh or Deuill
Can wilfully drawe on to any euill:
But for the World, as 'tis the World, you see
It Runnes on Wheeles, and who the Palfreys bee▪
Which Embleme, to the Reader doth display
The Deuill and th [...] Flesh runnes swift away.
The Chayn'd ensnared World doth follow fast▪
Till All into Perditions pit be cast.
The Picture topsie-turuie stands kew waw:
The World turn'd vpside downe, as all men kn [...]

The World runnes on VVheeles: Or Oddes, betwixt Carts and Coaches.

[figure]

LONDON Printed by E. A. for Henry Gosson. 1623.

¶To the noble Company of Cordwainers, the worshipfull Company of Sadlers & Woodmongers; To the worthy, honest and lawdable Company of Water-men, And to the Sacred Society of Hackney-men, And finally, to as many as are grieued, and vniustly impouerished, and molested, with The Worlds Running on Wheeles.

GEntlemen and Yeomen, mar­uell not that I writ this Pamphlet in Prose now, hauing before times set forth so many Bookes in verse; The First Reason that mooued me to write thus, was because I was Lame, and durst not write Verses for feare they should be in­fected with my Griefe, & be lame too. The Second Reason is, because that I finde no good rime for a Coach but Broach, Roach Encroach, or such like: And you knowe that the Coach hath ouer-throwne the good [Page] vse of the Broach & Broch-turner, turning the one to Rackes and the other to Iackes, quite through the Kingdome: The Roach is a drie Fish, much like the vnprofitable profit of a Coach: It will cost more the dres­sing and Appurtnances then 'tis worth: For the word Encroach I thinke that best befits it, for I think neuer such an impudent, prowd sawcie Intruder or Encroacher came into the world as a Coach is: for it hath driuen many honest Families out of their Houses, many Knights to Beggers, Corporations to pouerty, Almes deedes to all misdeedes, Hos­pitality to extortion, Plenty to famine, Hu­mility to pride, Compassion to oppression, and all Earthly goodnes almost to an vtter con­fusion.

These haue beene the causes why I writ this Booke in Prose, and Dedicated it to all your good Companies, knowing that you haue borne a heauy share in the Calamitie which these hyred Hackney hell-Carts haue [Page] put this Common-wealth vnto: For in all my whole Discourse, I doe not enueigh a­gainst any Coaches that belong to Persons of worth or qualitie, but onely against the Catterpiller swarme of hyrelings; they haue vndone my poore Trade, whereof I am a Member, and though I looke for no reforma­tion, yet I expect the benefit of an old Pro­uerbe (Giue the loosers leaue to speake:) I haue Imbroadered it with mirth, Quilted it with materiall stuffe, Lac'd it with simi­litudes; Sowed it with comparisons, and in a word, so playd the Taylor with it, that I thinke it will fitte the wearing of any honest mans Reading, Attention, and Liking: But howsoeuer, I leaue both it and my selfe to remayne

Yours as you are mine: Iohn Taylor.

¶The VVorld runnes on Wheeles.

WHat a Murraine, what piece of work haue we here? The WORLD runs a Wheeles? On my Conscience my Dung-cart will be most vnsauourly offended with it: Ihaue heard the wordes often▪ The World runs on Wheeles; what, like Pompeies Bridge at Ostend? The great Gridyron in Christ-church, The Landskips of China, or the new found Instrument that goes by winding vp like a Iacke, that a Gentleman entreated a Musitian to Rost him Sele [...]ers Round vpon it? Ha! how can you make this good Master Poet? I haue heard that the World stands stock still, & neuer stirres, but at an Earth-quake; and then it trembles at the wickednes of the Inhabitants, and like an olde Mother, groanes vnder the misery of her vngracious Children: well, I will buy this volume of nuention for my Boyes to read at home in an Euening when they come from Schoole, there may be some good­nes in it; I promise you truely I haue found in some of these Bookes very shrewd Items; yea, and [Page] by your leaue, somewhat is found in them now and then, which the wisest of vs all may be the better for: though you call them Pamphlets, to tell you true, I like em better that are plaine and merrily written to a good intent, then those who are purposely stuffed and studyed, to deceiue the world, & vndo a Coun­try, That tells vs of Proiects beyond the Moone, of Golden Mines, of Deuices to make the Thames run on the North side of London (which may very easily be done, by remouing London to the Banke-side) of planting the Ile of Dogs with Whiblins, Corwhichets, Mushromes & Tobacco. Tut I like none of these, Let me see, as I take it, it is an inuectiue against Coaches, or a proofe or tryall of the Antiquitie of Carts and Coaches, Tis so, and Gods blessing light on his heart that wrote it, for I thinke neuer since Phaeton brake his necke, neuer Land hath endured more trouble & molestation then this hath, by the cōtinual rumbling of these vpstart 4. wheel'd Tortoyses, as you may perhaps find anone: For as concerning the Antiquity of the Cart, I think it beyond the limmits of Record or writing, Besides, it hath a Reference or allusion to the Motion of the Heauens, which turnes vpon the Equinoctiall Axeltree, the two wheeles being the Ar­ticke and Antarticke Poles. Moreouer, though it be Poetically feygned, that the Sunne (whom I could haue called Phoebus, Tytan, Apollo, Soll, or Hiperion) is drawne by his foure hot and headstrong Horses (whose names as I take it are) Aeolus, Aethon, Phle­gon, and Pyrois, Yet doe I not finde that Trium­phant, Refulgent extinguisher of darknes is Coach'd, [Page] but that he is continually Carted through the twelue signes of the Zodiaque.

And if Copernicus his opinion were to be allowed, that the Firmament with the Orbs and Planets did stand vnmoueable, and that onely the Terrestriall Globe turnes round daily according to the motion of Time, yet could the World haue no resemblance of a foure-wheel'd Coach; but in all reason it must whirle round vpon but One Axeltree, like a two wheeld Cart.

Nor can the searching eye, or most admirable Art of Astronomie, euer yet finde, that a Coach could attaine to that high exaltation of honour, as to be pla­ced in the Firmament: It is apparently seene, that Charles his Cart (which we by custome call Charles his Waine) is most gloriously stellifide, where in the large Circumserence of Heauen, it is a most vse­full & beneficiall Sea-marke (and somtimes a Land­marke too) guiding and directing in the right way, such as trauaile on Neptunes waylesse Bosome, and many which are often benighted in wilde and desert passages, as my selfe can witnesse vpon Newmarket heath, where if that good Waine had not Carted me to my Lodging, I & my Horse might haue wandred I know not whither.

Moreouer, as Man is the most noblest of all Crea­tures, and all foure-footed Beasts are ordayned for his vse and seruice; so a Cart is the Embleme of a Man, and a Coach is the Figure of a Beast; For as Man hath two legges, a Cart hath two wheeles: The Coach being (in the like sense) the true resemblance [Page] of a Beast, by which is Parabollically demonstrated vnto vs, that as much as Men are superior to Beasts, so much are honest and needfull Carts more nobly to be regarded and esteemed, aboue needlesse, vpstart, fantasticall, and Time-troubling Coaches.

And as necessities and things whose commodious vses cannot be wanted, are to be respected before Toyes and trifles (whose beginning is Folly, conti­nuance Pride, and whose end is Ruine) I say as ne­cessity is to be preferred before superfluity, so is the Cart before the Coach▪ For Stones, Timber, Corne, Wine, Beere, or any thing that wants life, there is a necessity they should be caried, because they are dead things and cannot goe on foot, which necessity the honest Cart doth supply: But the Coach like a superfluous Bable, or an vncharitable Mizer, doth sildome or neuer cary or help any dead or helplesse thing; but on the contrary it helps those that can help themselues (like Scoggin when he greazd the fat Sow on the Butt-end) and carries men and women, who are able to goe or run; Ergo the Cart is necessary, and the Coach superfluous.

Besides, I am verily perswaded, that the proudest Coxcombe that euer was iolted in a Coach, will not be so impudent but will confesse that humility is to be preferred before pride; which being granted, note the affability and lowlines of the Cart, and the pride and insoleney of the Coach, For the Carman humbly paces it on foot, as his Beast doth, whilst the Coach­mā is mounted (his fellow-horses & himself being all in a liuery[?]) with as many varieties of Laces, facings, [Page] Cloath and Colours as are in the Rainebowe, like a Motion or Pageant rides in state, & loades the poore Beast, which the Carman doth not; and if the Car­mens horse be melancholly or dull with hard and heauy labour, then will he like a kinde Piper whistle him a fit of mirth, to any tune from aboue Eela to belowe Gammoth, of which generosity and courtesie your Coachman is altogether ignorant, for he neuer whistles, but all his musicke is to rap out an oath, or blurt out a curse against his Teame.

The word Carmen (as I finde it in the Dictiona­rie) doth signifie a Verse, or a Song, and betwixt Carmen and Carmen, there is some good correspon­dencie, for Versing, Singing, and Whistling, are all three Musicall, besides the Carthorse is a more lear­ned beast then the Coachhorse, for scarce any Coach­horse in the world doth know any letter in the Book, when as euery Carthorse doth know the letter G. ve­ry vnderstandingly.

If Adultery or Fornication bee committed in a Coach, it may be grauely and discreetely punished in a Cart, for as by this meanes the Coach may be a running Bawdy-house of abhomination, so the Cart may, (and often is) the sober, modest, and ciuill pac'd Instrument of Reformation: so as the Coach may be vices infection, the Cart often is vices cor­rection.

It was a time of famous memorable misery, when the Danes had tyrannicall insulting domination in this lard: for the flauery of the English was so insup­portable, that he must Plowe, Sowe, Reape, Thrash [Page] Winnow, Grinde, Sift, Leauen, Knead, and Bake, and the domineering Dane would doe nothing but sleepe, play, and eate the fruit of the English mans labour; which well may be alluded to the carefull Cart▪ for let it plough, carrie & recarrie, early or late, all times & weathers, yet the hungry Coach gnawes him to the very bones: Oh beware of a Coach as you would doe of a Tyger, a Woolfe, or a Leuiathan, I'le assure you it eates more (though it drinkes lesse) then the Coachman and his whole Teeme, it hath a mouth gaping on each side like a monster, with which they haue swallowed all the good housekee­ping in England: It lately (like a most insatiable de­uouring beast) did eate vp a Knight, a neighbour of mine, in the County of N. a Wood of aboue 400. Akers, as if it had beene but a bunch of Radish: of another, it deuoured a whole Castle, as it had beene a Marchpane; scarcely allowing the Knight and his Lady halfe a colde shoulder of Mutton to their sup­pers on a Thursday night; out of which reuersion the Coachman and the Footeman could picke but hungry Vailes: in another place (passing through a Parke) it could not be content to eate vp all the Deere, and other grazing Cattell, but it bit vp all the Oakes that stoode bareheaded, there to doe homage to their Lord and Maister euer since the conquest, crushing their olde sides as easily as one of our fine Dames (with a poysoned breath) will snap a Cina­mon stick; or with as much facility as a Bawde will eate a Pippin Tart, or swallow a stewed Pruine.

For (what call you the Towne) where the great [Page] Oysters come from? there it hath eaten vp a Church, Chauncell, Steeple, Bells and all, and it threatens a great Common that lyes neere, which in diebus illis hath relieued thousands of poore people; nay, so hungry it is, that it will scarcely endure, in a Gentle­mans house, a poore neighbours childe so much as to turne a Spit; nor a Yeomans sonne to enter the house, though but in good will to the Chamber­maide, who anciently from 16. to 36. was wont to haue his breeding either in the Buttry, Celler, Sta­ble, or Larder, and to bid good man Hobs, good-wife Grub, or the youth of the parish welcome at a Christmasse time; but those dayes are gone, and their fellowes are neuer like to be seene about any of our top-gallant-houses. There was a Knight (an acquaintance of mine (whose whole meanes in the world was but threescore pounds a yeare, and aboue 20. of the same went for his Wiues Coach-hire; now (perhaps) you shall haue an Irish Footman with a Iacket cudgell'd downe the shoulders and skirts, with yellow or Orenge tawny Lace, may trot from London 3. or 4. score miles to one of those decayed Mansions, when the simpring scornfull Pusse, the sup­posed Mistresse of the house (with a mischiefe) who is (indeed) a kinde of creature retired for a while into the Countrey to escape the whip in the Citie) she demaunds out of the window scarce ready, and dressing her selfe in a glasse at noone: Fellow what is thine Errand, hast thou letters to me? and if it be about di [...]ner, a man may sooner blow vp the Gates of Bergen ap Zome, with a Charme then get en­trance, [Page] within the bounds of their Barr'd, Bolted, and Barracadoed Wicket: About 2. a Clocke, it may be after walking an houre or twaine, Sir Sellall comes downe, vntrust with a Pipe of Tobacco in his fist to know your businesse, hauing first peeped through a broken pane of Glasse, to see whether you come to demaund any money, or olde debt, or not, when af­ter a few hollow dry complements (without drinke) he turnes you out at the gate, his worship returning to his Stove: What Townes are layde waste? what fields lye vntilled? what goodly houses are turn'd to the habitations of Howlets, Dawes, and Hobgob­lins? what numbers of poore are encreased? yea exa­mine this last yeare but the Register bookes of buri­als, of our greatest Townes and Parishes of the land, as Winondham in Norfolke, White Chappell neere London, and many other, and see how many haue beene buried weekely, that haue meerely perished for want of bread; whilst Pride and Luxurie dam vp our streetes, Barracado our high wayes, and are ready euen to driue ouer their Graues, whom their vnmercifull Pride hath farnished.

Whence comes Leather to be so deare, but by reason (or as I should say against reason) of the mul­titude of Coaches, and Carroaches, who consume and take vp the best Hides that can be gotten in our Kingdome, insomuch that I cannot buy a payre of Boores for my selfe vnder an Angell, nor my Wife a payre of Shooes (though her foote be vnder the seauenteenes) vnder eight groates or three shillings; by which meanes many honest Shoomakers are ei­ther [Page] vndone or vndoing, and infinite numbers of poore Christians, are enforced to goe barefooted in the colde Winters, till with very benummednesse, some their toes, and some their feete are rotted off, to the numberlesse encrease of crooched Cripples, and wooden legg'd beggers, of which sort of mise­rable dismembred wretches, euery streete is plenti­fully stored with, to the scorne of other Nations, and the shame and obloquy of our owne.

The Saddlers (being an ancient, a worthy and a vsefull Company) they haue almost ouerthrowne the whole trade, to the vndoing of many honest Fa­milies; For whereas within our memories, our No­bility and Gentry would tide well mounted (and sometimes walke on foot) gallantly attended with three or foure score braue fellowes in blew coates, which was a glory to our Nation; and gaue more content to the beholders, then forty of your Leather Tumbrels: Then men preseru'd their bodies strong and able by walking, riding, and other manly exer­cises: then Sadlers were a good Trade, and the name of a Coach was Heathen-Greeke. Who euer saw (but vpon extraordinary occasions) Sir Philip Sid­ney, Sir Francis Drake, Sir Iohn Norris, Sir William Winter, Sir Roger Williams, or (whom I should haue nam'd first) the famous Lord Gray, and Willoughby, with the renowned George Earle of Cumberland, or Robert Eatle of Essex: These sonnes of Mars, who in their times were the glorious Brooches of our Nation, and an admirable terrour to our Enemies: these I say did make small vse of Coaches, and there [Page] were two maine reasons for it, the one was that there were but few Coaches in most of their times: and the second reason is, they were deadly foes to all sloath and effeminacie: The like was Sir Francis Vere, with thousands others: but what should I talke further? this is the ratling, rowling, rumbling age, and The World runnes on Wheeles. The Hack­ney-men who were wont to haue furnished Trauel­lers in all places, with fitting and seruiceable Hor­ses for any iourney, (by the multitude of Coaches) are vndone by the dozens, and the whole Common­wealth most abhominably Iaded, that in many pla­ces a man had as good to ride vpon a wodden Post, as to Post it vpon one of those poore hunger-staru'd hirelings: which enormity can be imputed to no­thing, but the Coaches intrusion, is the Hackney­mans confusion.

Nor haue we poore Watermen the least cause to complaine against this infernall swarme of Trade­spillers, who like the Grashoppers or Caterpillers of Egipt haue so ouer-runne the land, that we can get no liuing vpon the water; for I dare truly affirme that euery day in any Tearme (especially if the Court be at Whitehall) they do rob vs of our liuings, and carry 560. fares daily from vs, which numbers of passengers were wont to supply our necessities, and enable vs sufficiently with meanes to doe our Prince and Countrey seruice: and all the whole fry of our famous Whores, whose ancient Lodgings were neere S. Katherines, the Bankside, Lambeth-Marsh, Westminster, White Friers, Coleharbar, or [Page] any other place neere the Thames, who were wont after they had any good Trading, or reasonable com­mings in, to take a Boate and ayre themselues vpon the water, yea (and by your leaue) be very liberall to, and I say as a Mercer said once, A Whores mo­ney is as good as a Ladies, and a Bawdes as current as a Midwiues: Tush those times are past, and our Hackney Coaches haue hurried all our Hackney cu­stomers quite out of our reach towards the North parts of the Citie, where they are daily practised in the Coach, that by often iolting they may the better endure the Cart vpon any occasion, and indeede many times a hired Coachman with a basket hilted blade hang'd or executed about his shoulders in a belt, (with a cloake of some py [...]e colour, with two or three change of Laces about) may man, a brace or a Leash of these curu [...]tting Cockatrices to their places of recreation, and so saue them the charge of maintaining a Sir Pandarus or an Apple-squire, which seruice indeede to speake the truth, a Water­man is altogether vnfit for; and the worst is, most of them are such Loggerheads, that they either will not learne, but as I thinke would scorne to be taught: so that if the Sculler had not bene paide when hee was paide, it is to be doubted that he should neuer haue beene paide, for the Coachman hath gotten all the custome from the Scullers pay-Mistris.

This is one apparent reason, why all the Whores haue forsaken vs, and spend their Cash so free and frequent vpon those ingenious, well practiz'd, and seruiceable hired Coachmen: but (a Pox take em [Page] all) whither doth my wits runne after Whores and Knaues? I pray you but note the streetes, and the chambers or lodgings in Fleet streete, or the Strand, how they are pesterd with them, especially after a Masque or a Play at the Court, where euen the ve­ry earth quakes and trembles, the Cazements shat­ter, tatter and clatter, and such a confused noyse is made, as if all the deuils in hell were at Barly-breake; so that a man can neither sleepe, speake, heare, write, or eate his dinner or supper quiet for them: besides, their tumbling din (like a counterfeit Thunder) doth sowre Wine, Ale and Beere most abhominably, to the impairing of their healths that drinke it, and the making of many a Victualer and Tapster Trade-falne.

A Wheelewright or a maker of Carts, is an anci­ent, a profitable, and a Trade, which by no meanes can be wanted; yet so poore it is, that scarce the best amongst them can hardly euer attaine to better then a Calueskin sute, or a piece of neck Beefe & Carret­rootes to dinner on a Sunday; nor scarcely any of them is euer mounted to any Office aboue the de­gree of a Scauenger, or a Tything man at the most. On the contrary, your Coachmakers trade is the most gainefullest about the Towne, they are appa­relled in Sattens and Veluets, are Maister of their Parish, Vestry men, who fare like the Emperours Heliogabalus, or Sardanapalus, seldom without their Mackeroones, Parmisants, Iellyes and Kickshawes, with baked Swannes, Pasties hote, or c [...]ld red Deere Pyes, which they haue from their Debtors worships [Page] in the Countrey: neither are these Coaches onely thus cumbersome by their Rumbling and Rutting, as they are by their standing still, and damming vp the streetes and lanes, as the Blacke Friers, and di­uers other places can witnesse, and against Coach­makers dores the streetes are so pesterd and clogg'd with them, that neither Man, Horse, or Cart can passe for them; in so much as my Lord Maior is highly to be commended for his care in this restraint, sending in February last many of them to the Coun­ter for their carelesnesse herein.

They haue beene the vniuersall decay of almost all the best Ash Trees in the Kingdome, for a young plant can no soouer peepe vp to any perfection, but presently it is felled for the Coach: Nor a young Horse bred of any beauty or goodnesse, but he is or­dained from his foaling for the seruice of the Coach; so that whereas in former ages, both in peace and warres, we might compare with any Nation in the world for the multitude and goodnes of our Horses: wee now thinke of no other imployment for them, then to draw in a Coach, and when they are either lamed by the negligence of the Coachman, or worne out after many yeares with trotting to Playes and Bawdy houses, then are they (like olde maymed Souldiers) after their wounds and scarres, preferd to Woodmongers, (where they are well Billited) or to Draymen, where they turne Tapsters, and draw Beere by whole Barrels, and Hogsheads at once; and there they weare out the Remainder of their dayes, till new harnei [...] for others, are made of their olde skins.

[Page] The last Proclamations concerning the Retiring of the Gentry our of the Citty into their Countreyes, although my selfe, with many thousands more were much impouerished and hindred of our Liuings by their departure; yet on the other side how it cleared the Streetes of these way-stopping Whirligiggs, for a man now might walke without being stand vp hoe, by a fellow that scarcely can either goe or stand him­selfe. Prince, Nobilitie, and Gentlemen of worth, Offices & Quality, haue herein their priuiledge, and are exempt, may ride as their occasions or pleasures shall indite them, as most meete they should; but when euery Gill Turntripe, Mrs. Fumkins, Madame Polecat, and my Lady Trash, Froth the Tapster, Bill the Taylor, Lauender the Broker, Whiff the Tobacco seller, with their companion Trugs, must be Coach'd to S. Albones, Burntwood, Hockley in the Hole, Croydon, Windsor, Vxbridge, and many other places, like wilde Haggards prancing vp and downe, that what they get by cheating, swearing, and lying at home, they spend in Ryot, Whoring, and Drunken­nesse abroade. I say by my hallidome, it is a burning shame; I did lately write a Pamphlet called a Thiefe, wherein I did a little touch vpon this point; that see­ing the Heard of Hireling Coaches are more then the Whirries on the Thames, and that they make Lea­ther so excessiue decre, that it were good the order in Bohemia were obserued here, which is, that euery hired Coach should be drawne with Ropes, and that all their Harnesse should be Hemp and Cordage: be­sides if the Couer and Bootes of them were of good [Page] Rosind or pitched Canuas, it would bring downe the price of Leather, and by that meanes a hired Coach would be knowne from a Princes, a Noble mans, Ladies, or people of note, account, respect and qua­lity.

And if it be but considered in the right Kue, a Coach or Carroach are meere Engines of Pride, (which no man can denie to be one of the seauen deadly sinnes) for two Leash of Oyster-wiues hired a Coach on a Thursday after Whitsontide, to carie them to the greene-Goose Faire at Stratford the Bowe, and as they were hurried betwixt Algate and Mile-end, they were so be-Madam'd, be-Mistrist, and Ladifide by the Beggers, that the foolish wo­men began to swell with a proud supposition or Imaginary greatnesse, and gaue all their money to the mendicanting Canters; insomuch that they were feigne to pawne their Gownes and Smocks the next day to buy Oysters, or else their pride had made them Cry for want of what to Cry withall.

Thus much I can speake by experience; I doe partly know some of mine owne qualities, and I doe know that I doe hate pride, as I hate famine or sur­fetting; and moreouer, I know my selfe to be (at the best) but Iohn Taylor, and a mechanicall Waterman, yet it was but my chance once to be brought from Whitehall to the Tower in my Maister Sir William Waades Coach, and before I had beene drawne twen­tie yards, such a Timpany of pride puft me vp, that I was ready to burst with the winde Chollick of vaine glory. In what state I would leane ouer the Boote, [Page] and looke, and pry if I saw any of my acquaintance, and then I would stand vp, vayling my Bonnet, kis­sing my right clawe, extending my armes as I had beene swimming, with God saue your Lordship, Worship, or how doest thou honest neighbour or good-fellow? in a word, the Coach made me thinke my selfe better then my betters that went on foote, and that I was but little inferiour to Tamberlaine, being iolted thus in state by those pampered Iades of Belgia: all men of indifferent iudgement will con­fesse, that a Cart is an instrument conformable to law, order, and discipline; for it rests on the Sabaoth dayes, and commonly all other Holy dayes, and if it should by any meanes breake or transgresse against any of these good Iniunctions, there are Informers that lye in ambush (like carefull Scowtes) to informe against the poore Cart, that in conclusion my Lady Pecunia must become surety and take vp the matter, or else there will be more stirre about the flesh then the Broath is worth: whereas (on the contrary) a Coach like a Pagan, an Heathen, an Infidel, or Atheist, obserues neither Sabaoth, or holiday, time or season, [...]obustiously breaking through the toyle or net of deuine and humane law, order, and authority, and as it were contemning all Christian conformity; like a dogge that lyes on a heape of Hay, who will eate none of it himselfe, nor suffer any other beast to eate any: euen so the Coach is not capable of hearing what a Preacher saith, nor will it suffer men or wo­men to heare that would heare, for it makes such a hideous rumbling in the Streetes by many Church [Page] dores, that peoples eares are stop'd with the noyse, whereby they are debard of their edifying, which makes faith so fruitlesse, good workes so barren, and charity as cold at Midsommer, as if it were a great Frost, and by this meanes soules are rob'd and star­ued of their heeuenly Manna, and the Kingdome of darknesse replenished: to auoyd which, they haue set vp a crosse post in Cheapside on Sundayes neere Woodstreet end, which makes the Coaches rattle and iumble on the other side of the way further from the Church, and from hindering of their hearing.

The Nagaians, Iughonians, and the vngodly bar­barous Tartarians, who knew no God or deuill, Heauen nor hell, and who indeede are Nations that haue neither Townes, Citties, Villages, or houses; Their habitations are nothing but Coaches: in their Coaches they eate, sleepe, beget children, who are also there borne, and borne from place to place, with them the World runnes on Wheeles continually, for they are drawne in Droues or Heards 20. 30. or 40000. together, to any fruitfull place or Cham­pion plaine, where they and their beasts doe stay till they haue deuoured all manner of sustenance that may maintaine life, and then they remoue to a fresh place doing the like; thus wearing out their accur­sed liues like the broode of Caine, they and their houses being perpetuall vagabonds, and continuall runnagates vpon the face of the earth. They are so practized and inured in all kinde of Barbarisme, that they will milke one Mare and let another blood, and the blood and the milke they will Charne together [Page] in their Hats or Caps, till they haue made fresh Cheese and Creame (which the deuill will scarce eate) from these people our Coaches had first origi­nall, and I doe wish with all my heart that the super­fluous number of all our hireling Hackney carrie-Knaues and Hurrie-Whores, with their makers and maintainers were there, where they might neuer want continuall imployment.

For their Antiquity in England, I thinke it is in the memory of many men when in the whole Kingdome, there was not one, and there was another principall vertue, as good as themselues came with them: for the Prouerbe saith, That mischiefe or mischances seldome come alone: and it is a doubtfull question, whether the deuill brought Tobacco into England in a Coach, or else brought a Coach in a fogge or mist of Tobacco.

For in the yeare 1564. one William B [...]ouen a Dutchman brought first the vse of Coaches hither, and the said Boonen was Queene Elizabeths Coach­man, for indeede a Coach was a strange Monster in those dayes, and the fight of them put both horse and man into amazement: some said it was a great Crab-shell brought out of China, and some imagin'd it to be one of the Pagan Temples, in which the Ca­nibals adored the deuill: but at last all those doubts were cleared, and Coach-making became a substan­tiall Trade: So that now all the world may see, they are as common as Whores, and may be hired as easie as Knights of the Post.

The Cart is an open transparent Engine, that any [Page] man may perceiue the plaine honesty of it; there is no part of it within or without, but it is in the conti­nuall view of all men: On the contrary, the Coach is a close hipocrite, for it hath a couer for any Knauery, and Curtaines to vaile or shadow any wickednesse: besides, like a perpetuall Cheater, it weares two Bootes and no Spurres, sometimes hauing two paire of legges in one Boote, and often times (against na­ture) most preposterously it makes faire Ladies weare the Boote; and if you note, they are carried backe to backe, like people surpriz'd by Pyrates, to be tyed in that miserable manner, and throwne ouer boord into the Sea. Moreouer, it makes people imi­tate Sea Crabs, in being drawne side-wayes, as they are when they sit in the boote of the Coach, and it is a dangerous kinde of Carriage for the Common­wealth, if it be rightly considered; for when a man shall be a Iustice of the Peace, a Serieant, or a Coun­sellour at Law; what hope is it that all or many of them should vse vpright dealing, that haue beene so often in their youth, and daily in their maturer or ri­per age, drawne aside continually in a Coach, some to the right hand, and some to the left, for vse makes perfectnesse, and often going aside willingly makes men forget to goe vpright naturally.

The order of Knighthood is both of great Anti­quity and very honourable, yet within these later times there is a strange mysterie crept into in, for I haue noted it that when a Gentleman hath the sword laid vpon his shoulder, either by his Prince, or his Deputy or Generall in the field, although the blow [Page] with the sword, be an honour to the man, yet (by a kinde of inspiration) it cripples his wife, though she be at that time 300. miles from her husband, for if you but note her, you shall see her lamed for euer, so that shee can by no meanes goe without leading vnder the arme, or else shee must be carried in a Coach all her life time after; forgetting in a manner to goe on her feete so much as to Church, though it bee but two Quoytes cast; for I haue heard of a Gentlewoman that was lamed in this manner, who sent her man to Smithfield from Charing-Crosse, to hire a Coach to carrie her to Whitehall; another did the like from Ludgate hill, to be carried to see a Play at the Blacke Friers: And in former times when they vsed to walke on foote, and recreate themselues, they were both strong and healthfull; now all their exercise is priuately to Sawe Billets, to hang in a Swinge, or to rowle the great Row­ler in the Alleyes of their Garden, but to goe without leading, or Riding in a Coach is such an impeachment and derogation to their Calling, which flesh and blood can by no meanes en­dure.

Euery man knowes, that were it not for the Cart the Hay would Rot in the medowes, the Corne pe­rish in the fields, the Markets be emptily furnished, at the Courts remoue the King would bee vnseru'd, and many a Gallant would bee enforced to bee his owne Sumpter-horse to carrie his luggage, bag and baggage himselfe; and finally, were it not for the mannerly and courteous seruice of the Cart, many a [Page] well deseruing ill condition'd braue fellow might goe on foote to the gallowes.

A Cart (by the iudgement of an honourable and graue Lawyer) is elder brother to a Coach for anti­quity; and for vtility and profit, all the world knows which is which, yet so vnnaturall and vnmannerly a brother the Coach is, that it will giue no way to the Cart, but with pride, contempt bitter curses and ex­ecrations, the Coachman wishes all the Carts on fire, or at the diuell, and that Carmen were all hang'd, when they cannot passe at their pleasures, quite forgetting themselues to be sawcy vnprofita­ble intruders, vp starts, and Innouators.

When I see a Coach put vp into a house (mee thinkes) the pole standing stiffely erected, it lookes like the Image of Priapus, whom the libidinous and leacherous Whores and Knaues of Egypt were wont to fall downe and worship; and I pray you what hinderance hath it but it may vse the Paphean or Priapean game? for it is neuer vnfurnished of a bed and curtaines, with shop windowes of leather to buckle Bawdry vp as close in the midst of the street, as it were in the Stewes, or a Nunnery of Venus Votaries.

What excessiue waste doe they make of our best broad-cloath of all colours? and many times a young heire will put his old Fathers old Coach in a mour­ning Gowne of Cloth or Cotton, when many of the poore distressed members of Christ, goes naked, staruing with cold, not hauing any thing to hide their wretched carkasses; and what spoyle of our [Page] Veluets, Damaskes, Taffataes, Siluer and Gold Lace, with Fringes of all sorts, and how much consu­med in guilding, wherein is spent no small quantity of our best and finest gold: nor is the charge little of maintaining a Coach in reparation, for the very mending of the Harnesse, a Knights Coachman brought in a bill to his Master of 25. pounds: besides there is vsed more care & diligence in matching the Horses and Mares, then many fathers and mothers doe in the marriage of their sonnes and daughters: for many times a rich lubberly Clowne, the sonne of some gowty extortioner, or rent-racking Ras­call, (for his accursed muckes sake) may bee mat­ched with a beatifull or propper well qualified and nobly descended Gentlewoman, and a well fac'd handsome Esquire or Knights sonne and heire may be ioyn'd with a Ioyners puppet, or the daughter of a Sexton; but for the choyce of your Coach-horses there is another manner of prouidence to be vsed, for they must be al of a colour, longitude, latitude, Cres­situde, height, length, thicknesse, breadth, (I muse they doe not weigh them in a paire of Ballance) and being once matched with a great deale of care and cost, if one of them chance to die (as by experience I know a Horse to bee a mortall beast) then is the Coach like a maimed cripple, not able to trauell, till after much diligent search, a meete mate be found whose correspondency may be as equiualent to the suruiuing Palfrey, and in all respects as like as a Broome to a Bee [...]ome, Barme to Yeast, or Quod­lings to boyld Apples.

[Page] The mischiefes that haue beene done by them are not to be numbred, as breaking of legges and armes, ouerthrowing downe hills, ouer bridges. running o­uer children, lame and old people, as Henrie the fourth of France, (the father to the King that now reigneth) he and his Queene were once like to haue beene drowned, the Coach ouerthrowing besides a bridge, & to proue that a Coach owed him an vnfor­tunate tricke, he was some few yeares after his first escape, most inhumanely and traiterously murdred in one, by Rauiliacke, in the streets at Paris: but what neede I runne my inuention out of breath into for­reigne countreys for examples, when many of the chiefe Nobilitie and Gentrie of our owne Nation haue had some triall and sad experience of the truth of what I write? sometimes the Coachman (it may be hath bin drunk, or to speake more mannerly stolne a Manchet out of the Brewers Basket) hath tumbled besides his Box of state, and Coach running ouer him hath kild him, the whilst the horses (hauing the reines loose) haue runne away with their Rattle at their heeles (like dogges that had bladders of dry­ed Beanes, or empty bottles at their tailes) as if the deuill had beene in them, and sometimes in the full speed of their course a wheele breakes, or the Naue slips off from the Axletree, downe leapes the Coachman, and away runs the horses, throwing their carriage into bushes, hedges, and ditches, neuer leauing their mad pace, till they haue torne to tat­ters their tumbling Tumbrell, to the manifest perill, danger, and vnrecouerable hurt to those whom they [Page] carry, and to all men, women, children and cattell, as Hogges, Sheepe, or whatsouer chanceth to be in their way: besides the great cost & charge of mend­ing and Reparations of the Coach.

There is almost nothing, but when it is worne out, it will serue for some vse, either for profit or pleasure (except a Coach) of the bottome of an old Cart, one may make a fence to stop a gap, of the Raues one may make a Ladder for Hennes to goe to Roost: of an olde Bores Franke, a new Dogge-ken­nell may be founded; of a decayed Wherry or Boat, a backe part of a house of office may be framed (as you may see euery where on the Bankside) of an old Barrell, a bolting Hutch, an ouer-worne old Whore will make a spick and span new Bawde; and a rotte [...] Bawde may make a new Witch. I knew a neighbour of mine (an olde Iustice) that of the bald veluet ly­ning of his Cloake, made him a paire of new Bree­ches, and those Breeches being worne past the best, with the best of them he made his wife a new French Hoode; and when that was bare and past her wea­ring, it made him facing for his new Boote tops: But an old Coach is good for nothing but to cousen and deceiue people, as of the olde rotten Leather they make Vampies for high Shooes, for honest Country Plow-men, or Belts for Souldiers, or inner lynings for Girdles, Dogge-chollers for Mastiffes, indeede the Box if it were bored thorow, would be fittest for a close stoole, and the body would (perhaps) serue for a Sow to pigge in.

If the curses of people that are wrong'd by them [Page] might haue preuailed, sure I thinke the most part of them had beene at the deuill many yeres agoe. Bu [...]hers cannot passe with their cattell for them. Market folkes which bring prouision of victuals to the Citie, are stop'd, stay'd, and hindred. Carts or Waynes with their necessary ladings are debard and letted: the Milke-maydes ware is often spilt in the dirt▪ and peoples guts like to be crushed out being crowded and shrowded vp against stalls, & stoopes. whilst Mistres Siluerpin with her Pander, and a paire of [...]amd Pullets ride grinning and deriding in their H [...]ll-Cart at their miseries who goe on foote: I my selfe haue beene so serued when I haue wished them all in the great Breach, or on a light fire vpon Hown­slow heath, or Salisburie plaine: and their damming vp the streets in this manner, where people are wed­ged together that they can hardly stirre, is a maine and great aduantage to the most vertuous Mysterie of purse-cutring, and for any thing I know the hired or hackney Coachman may ioyne in confederacy and share with the Cut-purse, one to stop vp the way, and the other to shift in the Crowd.

The superfluous vse of Coaches hath been the oc­casions of many vile and odious crimes, as murther, theft, cheating, hangings, whippings, Pillories, [...]ockes and cages; for house-keeping neuer decaied [...] Coaches came into England, till which time those were accounted the best men who had most fol­lowers and retainers; then land about or neere Lon­don was thought deere enough at an noble the Aker [Page] yearely, and a ten-pound house-rent now, was scarce twenty shillings then, but the witchcraft of the Coach quickly mounted the price of all things (except poore mens labour) and withal transformed (in some places 10. 20. 30. 40. 50. 60. or 100. proper Seruingmen, into two or three Animals (videlicet) a Butterfly page, a trotting footman, a stiff-drinking Coachman, a Cooke, a Clarke, a Steward, and a Butler, which hath enforced many a discarded tall fellow (through want of meanes to liue, and grace to guide him in his pouertie) to fall into such mis­chieuous actions before named, for which I thinke the Gallowses in England haue deuonred as many lusty valiant men within these 30. or 40. yeares, as would haue beene a sufficient armie to beate the foes of Christ out of Christendome, and marching to Constantinople, haue pluck'd the great Turke by the Beard: but as is aforesaid, this is the age wherien The World Runnes on Wheeles.

It is a most vneasie kinde of passage in Coaches on the paued streetes in London, wherein men and women are so tost, tumbled, iumbled, rumbled, and crossing of kennels, dunghills, and vneuen-wayes, which is enough to put all the guts in their bellies out of ioynt, to make them haue the Palsey or Me­grum, or to cast their Gorges with continuall Rock­ing and Wallowing: to preuent which, there was a gentleman of great note, found fault with his Coach­horses, because his Coach iolted him, commanding his man to sell away those hard trotting Iades, and to buy him a paire of Amblers, that might draw him [Page] with more ease: another, when hee saw one of his horses more lusty and free then his fellow, hee com­manded his Coachman to feede him onely with bread & water, till he were as tame and quiet as the other, which wise command was dutifully obserued.

The best vse that euer was made of Coaches was in the old warres betwixt the Hungarians and the Turkes, (for like so many land Gallies) they carried souldiers on each side with Crosbowes, and other warlike engines, and they serued for good vse being many thousands of them, to disrowte their enemies, breaking their rankes and order, making free and open passage for their horse and foote amongst the scattered squadrons and regiments, & vpon occasion they serued as a wall to Embarricado and fortifie their campe: this was a millitarie imployment for Coaches, and in this sort onely I could wish all our hirelings to be vsed. It is to be supposed that Pha­raohs Charriots which were drowned in the red sea, were no other things in shape and fashion then our Coaches are at this time, and what great pitty was it that the makers and memories of them had not been obliuiously swallowed in that Egiptian downfall?

Mowntaigne, a learned and a noble French Wri­ter, doth relate in his booke of Essayes, that the an­cient Kings of Asia, and the Easterne parts of Eu­rope, were wont to be drawne in their Coaches with foure Oxen, and that Mark Anthony with a Whore with him was drawne with Lyons. Heliogabalus the Empero [...]r was drawne with foure naked Whores, (himselfe being the Coachman) and the Coaches in [Page] these late times (to shew some sparke of gratitude or thankfulnes) in remembrance that naked Whores once drew [...] of them, they doe in requitall very often carrie Whores halfe naked to the belly, and gallantly apparelled; besides only but foure Whores drew one Coach, and 500. Coaches hath carried 10000. of them for it: but sometimes they were drawne with Stagges, as it is the vse in Lapland at this day. The Emperour Firmus was drawne with foure Estridges, and to requite those fauours, they doe now often carrie men as rauenous as Lyons, as well headed as Oxen or Stagges, and as the Estridges did once draw, so the feathers of them doe daily ride in Plumes and Fannes.

In the Citie of Antwerp in Brabant I haue seene little Coaches, which men send their children to Schoole in, each of them drawne by a Mastiffe dogge, not hauing any guide: for the dogge him­selfe doth exercise three offices at one time, being as the Horse to draw, the Coachman to direct, and an honest labouring dogge besides.

I remember that in one place aforesaid, I haue written, that Coaches doe seldome carrie any dead things, as Stones, Timber, Wine, Beere, Corne, &c. But▪ in so writing I finde that I haue done many of them great wrong, for I perceiue that they carrie oftentimes diuers sorts of Rye, as Knaue-Rye, Foole-Rye, Leache-Rye, Rogue-Rye, Vsue-Rye, Bawde-Rye, Braue-Rye, Slaue-Rye, and Begge-Rye. Sometimes (by chaunce) they may hap to carrie good Husband-Rye, and Housewife-Rye, but [Page] such burthens are as scarce, as money or charity: and one thing more comes into my minde about their multitude, for though a Coach doe [...] to be a dead or sencelesse thing, yet when I se [...] consider how they doe multiply and encrease: I am doubt­full but that they are male and female, and vse the act of generation or begetting, or else their procrea­tion could neuer so haue ouer-spread our Nation.

To conclude, a Coach may fitly be compared to a Whore, for a Coach is painted, so is a Whore: a Coach is common, so is a Whore: a Coach is costly, so is a Whore; a Coach is drawne with beasts, a Whore is drawne away with beastly Knaues. A Coach hath loose Curtaines, a Whore hath a loose Gowne, a Coach is lac'd and fring'd, so is a Whore: A Coach may be turn'd any way, so may a Whore: A Coach hath Bosses, Studs, and guilded nailes to adorne it: a Whore hath Owches, Brooches, Brace­lets, Chaines and Iewels to set her forth: a Coach is alwaies out of reparations, so is a Whore: a Coach hath need of mending still, so hath a Whore: a Coach is vnprofitable, so is a whore: a Coach is superfluous, so is a Whore: a Coach is insatiate, so is a Whore: A Coach breakes mens neckes: a Whore breakes mens backes: This oddes is betwixt a Coach and a Whore, a man will lend his Coach to his friend, so will hee not his Whore: but any mans Whore will saue him the labour of lending her; for she will lend her selfe to whom shee pleaseth. And thus my Booke and comparisons end together; for thus much I know, that I haue but all this while bark'd at the Moone, [Page] throwne feathers against the winde, built vpon the [...] [...]ackmore, and laboured in vaine: [...] or enormitie hath pleasure in it, [...] profit, and power to defend it, [...] speake, and weakenesse may babble of Reformation, though to no end: and so I end.

FINIS.

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